Helping my children

I am supposed to be writing a story right now. I can't do it. I'm thinking too much about Isaac and Savannah. Specifically Isaac. He has always had a hard time with this divorce, and now, I think, two years of difficulty are coming home to roost. For the past month or so, Isaac has struggled mightily with his behavior, principally at school. He has yelled at teachers and students, tried to jump on other students, thrown things at people and flat-out refused to do what is asked of him. I have increased the frequency of my calls to him and Savannah since I was last there. He has not been the same since I visited him in March. He has been difficult at school and less so at home. My heart aches for him. I can't help but blame myself for this. It's easy to say that this problem with my son is a product of what Cherie did. It is, to a point. She took him and Savannah away from me. But I don't want to dwell on that. What's important is how I can help him. The easy thing to do would be to pack up and leave for Idaho. I'm trying to build a future for him and Savannah long-term. Cherie has even asked for me to move to Idaho. I feel like people are all tugging at my heart. Isaac and Savannah want me there. I want to go to school. Cherie even says she wants to quit school to concentrate on the kids. An honorable thing, to be sure. I wonder. Why aren't I doing the same thing? I want to go to school and get a solid foundation for the kids. I think she should move closer to where I live. There is family here, and she's closer to relatives of her own. She's further from Destiny, yes, but here, the kids have a built-in support system. I get the kids in June, but it's not enough. They need more. My heart aches for my children. I just want my children to be happy. They aren't, especially Isaac. Cherie is struggling mightily -- and she always has been. Why can't they just move here, Heavenly Father? There is so much here that's better for them. We don't have to be together. That chapter is closed. But my chapter with my kids remains open. I love them so much. I can't be having a good time and building a life for myself knowing the kids are suffering. I have to help them. I just don't know the right thing to do. I feel like I did a few months ago. Why couldn't we have figured this out years ago? What gives right now? I don't get it.

Saying goodbye, preparing spiritually

It's been a while since I wrote here. A lot of things are going on. Isaac is having a lot of trouble at school, being mean and difficult with his teacher. We're trying to work it out, between his teacher, mom and specialists and counselors. It's difficult to discern, because Isaac is still fairly young and can have a hard time expressing himself.

I've also begun observing in the classroom as part of my learning process to begin my teacher credential program. It's been two days, and it's been fun. There's so much I want to do. I work in a special-education classroom of elementary school kids. It's near the end of the school year, but I hope that I can bond with them a bit before they go home for the summer.

I got some big news today. Perhaps my dearest friends in Grass Valley, Gordon Southam and his family, are going to be moving. Gordon is an engineer by trade, and as I've mentioned before, perhaps the smartest person I've ever known. I've known Gordon and his family for about 10 years; they are the best friends I could ever ask for. Gordon has been working sporadically over the past few months or so, and will be working for a company that makes electric meters. This means he's moving to the company headquarters across Lake Pontchartrain from New Orleans. This is great news for Gordon and his family, for Gordon is very talented and pretty much does anything he can for his family. His wife, Camille, is also a wonderful friend who has been there for me, my ex-wife and our family over the years. She's part of the reason why I'm going into the teaching profession.

It is bittersweet for me, for I almost cried when I heard the news. I was at once proud and relieved for Gordon and his family; raising a family of six on essentially two part-time salaries is near impossible. So now, he can provide for his family and do something he knows.

I was sad because this family, outside of my own, has been in my corner more than anyone else I know. They immediately came to my aid (and my defense) when Cherie left with the kids. I remember the first time Gordon came to visit me in Carson City after he asked me why I waited so long to call him; I remember him saying he left behind the 99 so he could help the one (me) because he cared. This was the first time that another man told me he loved me, and I knew exactly what he meant. I remember him inviting me to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom with his oldest son Tanner. I was a basket case then, silently crying for my own children and wishing they were there. But I knew then, as I know now, that Gordon and his family really loved me.

I remember going to Gordon and Camille's house for dinner and staying up until 3 a.m. talking with of them. They have given me more than any I could have ever asked for or deserved. I remember Gordon talking to me about how his faith was tested so many times before the birth of his first child, and then during the pregnancy and the subsequent birth of Brendan, Paige and Whitney. Gosh, I love those kids so much! I will miss reading bedtime stories to them, whispering in Paige and Whitney's ears to "tell them a secret" when I forgot their names; and hearing how smart Brendan remembered so much, or Tanner's dance moves.

The Christmas in 2008 will never leave my memory. It was the kindest thing anyone not related to me had ever done for me.

I will also be grateful to Gordon, Camille and their children for visiting Cherie and the kids on my behalf. They did something they didn't have to do, but didn't hesitate in doing what they did for me. Isaac and Savannah and the Southam kids, I hope, will always have a relationship with "their cousins."

I hope to visit the Southams once before they leave town. Life changes before our eyes or when we least expect it. When I left Grass Valley in October 2009, Gordon and his family were constant confidants as the divorce proceedings ensued, and even as I debated to move to Idaho where the kids are. I often call Gordon "the eternal optimist," and we had some difficult conversations over the last few months. Like good friends, though, there was always respect, and more importantly, love behind those difficult conversations. We all knew and understood that.

They helped make two of the most difficult years of my life tolerable, bearable, and at times, enjoyable. Now, Gordon's selling his junky truck, and I have sold mine for a car that the kids can fit in. Perhaps that's indicative of our new stages in life. I hope to be a bigger presence in my childrens' lives, and I need a bigger car. Gordon's going to get rid of his truck, too. Big changes for all of us.

So today, as I prepare to meet the bishop to talk about going to the temple and taking out my endowments, I also wish Gordon and Camille and their children the best as they prepare for their exciting journey. I love them and know Heavenly Father is looking on them, just as He's looking down on me.

The heart is full

I have said that a lot over the past two-plus years. Because I have many reasons to have a heart that is overflowing with good things and good emotions. This morning, early as it is, I have not gone to sleep because my heart is indeed full.

So many things are in my head: school, my children, and my love for people. It's like I don't want to go to sleep for fear that I would miss something important, even though it is so late it's almost not worth going to sleep anymore.

My heart is brimming with love for the people in my life, even if some of them don't readily notice it. My heart is wanting to show others that I love them so much, and it is the timing and distance that prevents me from doing just that. It is at once a marvelous and maddening feeling.

I want to help Isaac, and I want to show Danielle and her family how much I love them. Yes, I do. I want to show Isaac and Savannah how much they are loved by me, and I want them to always know that. I want Danielle's family to know that too, that I love them quite nearly as I do my own family. I hope I can always say that, and show everyone -- Isaac, Savannah, and Danielle and her family that that love is constant and unending.

Sometimes, I get scared writing that, but it's true, and I can't hide it. I'm writing this at this hour because I don't want to hide the way I feel inside, and I want everyone to know it.

My heart is full to the point of overflowing. I hope it always is this way. I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for making me feel this way.

Some random thoughts

I got a new car a few days ago. Well, new to me. Got rid of the pickup I'd been driving for two years. Guess there goes one more vestige of me, the old version. The pickup, for all of the negative things I said about it (not really) got me through a lot. Two jobs. Countless rides given to Cowboy Jason and others. A few moves. It always worked just fine, except for the time the windshield wipers conked out in a rainstorm on my way to Fresno.

I was grateful to have that car. I traded it in for a sedan that can actually seat Isaac and Savannah when they come to visit me in June. I'm not as excited as I would be if it were a brand-new car, but it runs, is big enough, and I'm sure will do just fine.

Easter was pretty wonderful. I went to my chapel to watch General Conference, only to find out the satellite feed was messed up. So me and about a half-dozen others ended up listening to it via the Internet. Then, on that Saturday and Sunday morning, I watched it from the Fresno stake center, a place I'd never been to before. Heard a number of inspiring speeches. I really like all three members of the Presidency for different reasons. Every time I go to conference, I am reminded of all the things I need to do to be better.

Still have much to do do get the life in order. I'm working on it and trying to be diligent. I think I have a pretty good idea of what needs to occur before I take that next step.
For this week, I'm concentrating on school stuff and finishing that by the time the week is over. Hopefully, will prepare for another trip to see the kids this month.

So many things to do

Every day, I make a list of the things I have to do that day. It's something that gives me direction and a sense of purpose. Without it, I'd be stuck on stinkin' Facebook all day.

The list includes things I have to do for work, and for school, and life in general. And it seems that while I don't have many obligations, this should be a time that allows me to take care of the ones I have.

It seems like the more obligations I write down, the more I seem to have. That's not a bad thing. But if I write "finish grad school apps" I usually find that I have more things to do connected to that one thing. Like applying for financial aid. I just wrote those two things down on my notepad.

I have to be honest, however. I usually don't get to everything; just the top things on the list. Some things are perpetual priorities, others are simply more pressing. I don't put "work out" on the list either, cuz if you've seen me, you know I need all the help I can get in that regard.

The bottom line here is, I have so much to do before I can get to the next level. So much to accomplish and take care of. I think people would take me seriously if I did what I was supposed to do sometimes.

That's another way of saying I have so much more to do in this life before I can consider it somewhat straightened out.

Building trust

So it's Sunday. Went to church, but didn't feel really good about it. The reasons why are obvious to anyone who had spent the past 48 hours with me. Let's just say I want to work hard to build trust in people who care about me.

That's a hard thing to do, even though it might not seem that way. Building trust is so vitally important in a relationship, especially a new one where you're both still trying to figure each other out. You can have so much love for that person, and yet, realize that so much of it can be extinguished just by the choices you make.

The key here perhaps is to never take the person you care for, for granted. And that includes believing they trust you unequivocally. They may want to, but then again, things are new. Wanting to trust someone and actually doing it are two different things here. I'm not talking about me trusting someone. It's that someone trusting me.

You see, it's not about what they do or the choices they make. It's about what I do and the choices I make that can determine the outcome of a relationship. I want to do whatever I need to do to build trust in my partner, to build love and understanding. That's my job, and it's what I need and want to do, because I love that person. And I don't want that person to ever doubt my resolve or love for them or people they are close to.

So on a spiritual day, I'm not feeling really spiritual. The Lord needs me to do certain things, and even though I haven't done them today, I am determined to make progress in that regard. I hope the Lord understands that.

What an incredible week

This past week or so has been incredible. I realize that it's been a long time since I last blogged, and there's much to write about.

For starters, the divorce is final. There's not much to say about that. It's time to move on. We met in Cherie's attorney's office and hashed it out. I get to be with the kids for one month by myself, but I can see them whenever I like, provided I give Cherie enough notice.

I have to be honest. I will always love Cherie, even if we are not together. I will never love her like I once did, but I will love her as the mother of my children and someone who gave me my faith. I simply have to be cordial to her, and I will always try to be.

The time I had with Isaac and Savannah this past week was wonderful. They are such sweet kids, and I love them so much. I bought them clothes, we had fun going to places like the mall and the pet store and the bowling alley and to every fast-food joint you can imagine. I also got to go to the kids' schools and hang out for a day, and that was really wonderful.

I now know that I have to make a better effort to be in their lives. I was gone for far too long before to not go and see them. Finances make it possible, yes, but I need to do a better job of saving up the money to go and see them. They need me and miss me as much as I need and miss them.

I signed up for school. Yesssss! I finally did it! I have much to do before I actually can enroll, but it's going to happen. I can feel things moving in the right direction. I believe Heavenly Father has always wanted that for me, to do His will and be rewarded for the work that I'm doing.

This has been a week of sea changes for me, and I hope to keep the positive momentum going. There are a lot of challenges left for me to accomplish, but with my faith and my family behind me, I know I will be able to get all that I need to do.