Every day, I make a list of the things I have to do that day. It's something that gives me direction and a sense of purpose. Without it, I'd be stuck on stinkin' Facebook all day.
The list includes things I have to do for work, and for school, and life in general. And it seems that while I don't have many obligations, this should be a time that allows me to take care of the ones I have.
It seems like the more obligations I write down, the more I seem to have. That's not a bad thing. But if I write "finish grad school apps" I usually find that I have more things to do connected to that one thing. Like applying for financial aid. I just wrote those two things down on my notepad.
I have to be honest, however. I usually don't get to everything; just the top things on the list. Some things are perpetual priorities, others are simply more pressing. I don't put "work out" on the list either, cuz if you've seen me, you know I need all the help I can get in that regard.
The bottom line here is, I have so much to do before I can get to the next level. So much to accomplish and take care of. I think people would take me seriously if I did what I was supposed to do sometimes.
That's another way of saying I have so much more to do in this life before I can consider it somewhat straightened out.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Building trust
So it's Sunday. Went to church, but didn't feel really good about it. The reasons why are obvious to anyone who had spent the past 48 hours with me. Let's just say I want to work hard to build trust in people who care about me.
That's a hard thing to do, even though it might not seem that way. Building trust is so vitally important in a relationship, especially a new one where you're both still trying to figure each other out. You can have so much love for that person, and yet, realize that so much of it can be extinguished just by the choices you make.
The key here perhaps is to never take the person you care for, for granted. And that includes believing they trust you unequivocally. They may want to, but then again, things are new. Wanting to trust someone and actually doing it are two different things here. I'm not talking about me trusting someone. It's that someone trusting me.
You see, it's not about what they do or the choices they make. It's about what I do and the choices I make that can determine the outcome of a relationship. I want to do whatever I need to do to build trust in my partner, to build love and understanding. That's my job, and it's what I need and want to do, because I love that person. And I don't want that person to ever doubt my resolve or love for them or people they are close to.
So on a spiritual day, I'm not feeling really spiritual. The Lord needs me to do certain things, and even though I haven't done them today, I am determined to make progress in that regard. I hope the Lord understands that.
That's a hard thing to do, even though it might not seem that way. Building trust is so vitally important in a relationship, especially a new one where you're both still trying to figure each other out. You can have so much love for that person, and yet, realize that so much of it can be extinguished just by the choices you make.
The key here perhaps is to never take the person you care for, for granted. And that includes believing they trust you unequivocally. They may want to, but then again, things are new. Wanting to trust someone and actually doing it are two different things here. I'm not talking about me trusting someone. It's that someone trusting me.
You see, it's not about what they do or the choices they make. It's about what I do and the choices I make that can determine the outcome of a relationship. I want to do whatever I need to do to build trust in my partner, to build love and understanding. That's my job, and it's what I need and want to do, because I love that person. And I don't want that person to ever doubt my resolve or love for them or people they are close to.
So on a spiritual day, I'm not feeling really spiritual. The Lord needs me to do certain things, and even though I haven't done them today, I am determined to make progress in that regard. I hope the Lord understands that.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
What an incredible week
This past week or so has been incredible. I realize that it's been a long time since I last blogged, and there's much to write about.
For starters, the divorce is final. There's not much to say about that. It's time to move on. We met in Cherie's attorney's office and hashed it out. I get to be with the kids for one month by myself, but I can see them whenever I like, provided I give Cherie enough notice.
I have to be honest. I will always love Cherie, even if we are not together. I will never love her like I once did, but I will love her as the mother of my children and someone who gave me my faith. I simply have to be cordial to her, and I will always try to be.
The time I had with Isaac and Savannah this past week was wonderful. They are such sweet kids, and I love them so much. I bought them clothes, we had fun going to places like the mall and the pet store and the bowling alley and to every fast-food joint you can imagine. I also got to go to the kids' schools and hang out for a day, and that was really wonderful.
I now know that I have to make a better effort to be in their lives. I was gone for far too long before to not go and see them. Finances make it possible, yes, but I need to do a better job of saving up the money to go and see them. They need me and miss me as much as I need and miss them.
I signed up for school. Yesssss! I finally did it! I have much to do before I actually can enroll, but it's going to happen. I can feel things moving in the right direction. I believe Heavenly Father has always wanted that for me, to do His will and be rewarded for the work that I'm doing.
This has been a week of sea changes for me, and I hope to keep the positive momentum going. There are a lot of challenges left for me to accomplish, but with my faith and my family behind me, I know I will be able to get all that I need to do.
For starters, the divorce is final. There's not much to say about that. It's time to move on. We met in Cherie's attorney's office and hashed it out. I get to be with the kids for one month by myself, but I can see them whenever I like, provided I give Cherie enough notice.
I have to be honest. I will always love Cherie, even if we are not together. I will never love her like I once did, but I will love her as the mother of my children and someone who gave me my faith. I simply have to be cordial to her, and I will always try to be.
The time I had with Isaac and Savannah this past week was wonderful. They are such sweet kids, and I love them so much. I bought them clothes, we had fun going to places like the mall and the pet store and the bowling alley and to every fast-food joint you can imagine. I also got to go to the kids' schools and hang out for a day, and that was really wonderful.
I now know that I have to make a better effort to be in their lives. I was gone for far too long before to not go and see them. Finances make it possible, yes, but I need to do a better job of saving up the money to go and see them. They need me and miss me as much as I need and miss them.
I signed up for school. Yesssss! I finally did it! I have much to do before I actually can enroll, but it's going to happen. I can feel things moving in the right direction. I believe Heavenly Father has always wanted that for me, to do His will and be rewarded for the work that I'm doing.
This has been a week of sea changes for me, and I hope to keep the positive momentum going. There are a lot of challenges left for me to accomplish, but with my faith and my family behind me, I know I will be able to get all that I need to do.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Understanding my faith
When I came back to Fresno, I was grateful that I had a place to go. I would be near my family, even if they were really the only people I knew in this area. It's the first time that I'd been back permanently in 14 years, so the passage of time has lots to do with that.
If there was anything I was fearful of, it was that people -- my family -- might not understand my faith. To a degree, they don't. I don't expect them to. They really haven't asked about it much, and when they do, it's more from the standpoint of "why would you choose this faith and not something else," or, more recently, why I still subscribe to the faith espoused in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, even if my soon-t0-be ex-wife, is no longer with me and isn't practicing the faith anyway.
A person's faith is not unlike their unconditional love for a child, or, hopefully, a spouse or relative. Done right, this faith is unwavering and non-negotiable. It takes time to develop a testimony, in this case, of one's faith. It does not happen overnight -- nor, in that respect, does a love for someone else.
But it has been a bit of a struggle since moving home, since no one of my family members share my faith or understand it. On this past Sunday, these issues came to a head at my father's house.
My father was born and raised Muslim. For many years, it would be safe to say that he did not exercise his faith, though it was there for a while. I suppose it's because he immigrated to a country that doesn't have the corresponding population of Muslims that Iran has. I don't think there are many Christians in Iran. In fact, I would venture to say there are more Jews in Iran than Christians.
Nevertheless, religion to my father has always been important to him, even if the faith he ascribes to doesn't mesh with my beliefs. I have to respect the fact that he does have a relationship with God, or Allah, in this case, and that he does pray several times a day and does what he can in his own way to exercise his faith.
His tolerance of my faith doesn't show the same level of acceptance, and it became evident Sunday when I came home from church. He questioned why I fasted, and told me he didn't believe the LDS faith in part because of its "racist" beliefs. I think there was more to his argument -- I think he's offended that I'm not Muslim, but then neither are my brother or sister, who, while they both believe in God, have an ambivalence toward religion as a whole.
We argued this point for more than an hour on Sunday -- how I could betray my father by choosing a religion not like his, and continuing to practice it even after the person who gave me my faith is less and less a part of my life. We yelled at each other, with each of us pointing negative things out about each other's respective religions. It got ugly, as our voices were raised, and fingers were pointed, and things were said that we should not be saying -- especially on Sunday.
I figured I could use this as a teaching moment. I have to respect the fact that my father is close to God, in his own way. He's been to Mecca twice, which is the holiest city in all of Islam. He's stoned the Devil and visited the Kaaba, at two of the most sacred sites in the Muslim faith. I told him that I respected his religion, and that mine wasn't necessarily better than his, but that I had chosen the Mormon faith for a litany of reasons. My father, and anyone else for that matter, is free to choose their own religion. And that's in fact what I told him. The LDS church teaches us that each of us has our agency -- our free will, if you will -- to do what we choose. Heavenly Father will not smite me for drinking coffee. But He knows I know I will be blessed if I don't, simply because I've made a covenant with Him.
In the end, after nearly walking out of my dad's house, I told him that I wanted to talk to him. He described to me why he doesn't attend the mosque -- that he has some differences with organized religion. That's perfectly fine. It's not my place to tell anyone how to live their lives or what religion to choose, or foist my beliefs upon someone so as to "convert" them. That's not my job. If you want to know about my faith, I'll tell you. But I'm not going to run around saying my faith is better than yours. If you want to know why it might be, that's up to you.
We talked for another hour, and we were able to hopefully come to an understanding. I asked him for a hug, and he gave me one, and I told him I loved him. That doesn't happen often, as I can probably count on both hands the number of times he's told me that. At the same time, I haven't told him that many times, either. So I guess we have more work to do in that department.
I'm not sure if we came to an understanding or not. But at least he knows how I feel, and I know how he feels. And I hope the mystery surrounding my faith has been lifted a bit for my father. If anything, I would hope that he would be glad that I have a relationship with Heavenly Father, just as he does.
And no one can criticize that.
If there was anything I was fearful of, it was that people -- my family -- might not understand my faith. To a degree, they don't. I don't expect them to. They really haven't asked about it much, and when they do, it's more from the standpoint of "why would you choose this faith and not something else," or, more recently, why I still subscribe to the faith espoused in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, even if my soon-t0-be ex-wife, is no longer with me and isn't practicing the faith anyway.
A person's faith is not unlike their unconditional love for a child, or, hopefully, a spouse or relative. Done right, this faith is unwavering and non-negotiable. It takes time to develop a testimony, in this case, of one's faith. It does not happen overnight -- nor, in that respect, does a love for someone else.
But it has been a bit of a struggle since moving home, since no one of my family members share my faith or understand it. On this past Sunday, these issues came to a head at my father's house.
My father was born and raised Muslim. For many years, it would be safe to say that he did not exercise his faith, though it was there for a while. I suppose it's because he immigrated to a country that doesn't have the corresponding population of Muslims that Iran has. I don't think there are many Christians in Iran. In fact, I would venture to say there are more Jews in Iran than Christians.
Nevertheless, religion to my father has always been important to him, even if the faith he ascribes to doesn't mesh with my beliefs. I have to respect the fact that he does have a relationship with God, or Allah, in this case, and that he does pray several times a day and does what he can in his own way to exercise his faith.
His tolerance of my faith doesn't show the same level of acceptance, and it became evident Sunday when I came home from church. He questioned why I fasted, and told me he didn't believe the LDS faith in part because of its "racist" beliefs. I think there was more to his argument -- I think he's offended that I'm not Muslim, but then neither are my brother or sister, who, while they both believe in God, have an ambivalence toward religion as a whole.
We argued this point for more than an hour on Sunday -- how I could betray my father by choosing a religion not like his, and continuing to practice it even after the person who gave me my faith is less and less a part of my life. We yelled at each other, with each of us pointing negative things out about each other's respective religions. It got ugly, as our voices were raised, and fingers were pointed, and things were said that we should not be saying -- especially on Sunday.
I figured I could use this as a teaching moment. I have to respect the fact that my father is close to God, in his own way. He's been to Mecca twice, which is the holiest city in all of Islam. He's stoned the Devil and visited the Kaaba, at two of the most sacred sites in the Muslim faith. I told him that I respected his religion, and that mine wasn't necessarily better than his, but that I had chosen the Mormon faith for a litany of reasons. My father, and anyone else for that matter, is free to choose their own religion. And that's in fact what I told him. The LDS church teaches us that each of us has our agency -- our free will, if you will -- to do what we choose. Heavenly Father will not smite me for drinking coffee. But He knows I know I will be blessed if I don't, simply because I've made a covenant with Him.
In the end, after nearly walking out of my dad's house, I told him that I wanted to talk to him. He described to me why he doesn't attend the mosque -- that he has some differences with organized religion. That's perfectly fine. It's not my place to tell anyone how to live their lives or what religion to choose, or foist my beliefs upon someone so as to "convert" them. That's not my job. If you want to know about my faith, I'll tell you. But I'm not going to run around saying my faith is better than yours. If you want to know why it might be, that's up to you.
We talked for another hour, and we were able to hopefully come to an understanding. I asked him for a hug, and he gave me one, and I told him I loved him. That doesn't happen often, as I can probably count on both hands the number of times he's told me that. At the same time, I haven't told him that many times, either. So I guess we have more work to do in that department.
I'm not sure if we came to an understanding or not. But at least he knows how I feel, and I know how he feels. And I hope the mystery surrounding my faith has been lifted a bit for my father. If anything, I would hope that he would be glad that I have a relationship with Heavenly Father, just as he does.
And no one can criticize that.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Stark differences
It has become ever so clear to me why it no longer makes sense to be with Cherie, and why I'm actually relieved that divorce proceedings are rolling.
She and I share diametrically opposed views on so many levels. It's like she's a different person entirely. She is so focused on being "independent," yet stands there with her hand out constantly. She says she "loves" herself. That she made the "right" choices.
Well, at least I can say that I'm not shacking up with someone who smokes, drinks and has tattoos with curse words on them. I also am man enough to admit my mistakes and do my part to own up to them and try to learn from the past. I'm not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. She does, because she feels "empowered." Never mind that her attitude is as transparent as caramelized onions.
I might feel "empowered," but it's not because my family ditched me. I'm not "independent" right now; far from it. But I must continue to work on it. I'm working, and I don't have my hand out to anyone. I'm waiting for a tax return so I can save money and work on bringing my children home. I know it's not going to happen overnight, and I know it's not going to be easy, and it won't happen unless I do something to change it.
The thing too, is, she brings out what might appear to be the worst in me. Why do I do that to myself? Why do I become judgmental and hypercritical of someone, when I share those same faults?
I want to be kind, gentle, deferential and work hard at all those things. I want to be spiritual and I want to be a good provider for myself and my children. And yes, I do want to share those things with someone else. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do that. I want to share those things with someone who shares my same interests. I know that my children will grow up knowing me. Right now, it's just temporary that it's not that way. But it will change. I vow that. I owe them that.
But Cherie will never, ever be part of those plans, even if she should change. I don't trust her, and I don't want her in my life on that level. That's just the way it is, and what I've learned over the course of the past few months.
I want to move forward, as best as I can, and keep myself out of the mud pit that is and was a relationship that is no longer anything I want to be a part of.
She and I share diametrically opposed views on so many levels. It's like she's a different person entirely. She is so focused on being "independent," yet stands there with her hand out constantly. She says she "loves" herself. That she made the "right" choices.
Well, at least I can say that I'm not shacking up with someone who smokes, drinks and has tattoos with curse words on them. I also am man enough to admit my mistakes and do my part to own up to them and try to learn from the past. I'm not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. She does, because she feels "empowered." Never mind that her attitude is as transparent as caramelized onions.
I might feel "empowered," but it's not because my family ditched me. I'm not "independent" right now; far from it. But I must continue to work on it. I'm working, and I don't have my hand out to anyone. I'm waiting for a tax return so I can save money and work on bringing my children home. I know it's not going to happen overnight, and I know it's not going to be easy, and it won't happen unless I do something to change it.
The thing too, is, she brings out what might appear to be the worst in me. Why do I do that to myself? Why do I become judgmental and hypercritical of someone, when I share those same faults?
I want to be kind, gentle, deferential and work hard at all those things. I want to be spiritual and I want to be a good provider for myself and my children. And yes, I do want to share those things with someone else. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do that. I want to share those things with someone who shares my same interests. I know that my children will grow up knowing me. Right now, it's just temporary that it's not that way. But it will change. I vow that. I owe them that.
But Cherie will never, ever be part of those plans, even if she should change. I don't trust her, and I don't want her in my life on that level. That's just the way it is, and what I've learned over the course of the past few months.
I want to move forward, as best as I can, and keep myself out of the mud pit that is and was a relationship that is no longer anything I want to be a part of.
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