Stark differences

It has become ever so clear to me why it no longer makes sense to be with Cherie, and why I'm actually relieved that divorce proceedings are rolling.

She and I share diametrically opposed views on so many levels. It's like she's a different person entirely. She is so focused on being "independent," yet stands there with her hand out constantly. She says she "loves" herself. That she made the "right" choices.

Well, at least I can say that I'm not shacking up with someone who smokes, drinks and has tattoos with curse words on them. I also am man enough to admit my mistakes and do my part to own up to them and try to learn from the past. I'm not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. She does, because she feels "empowered." Never mind that her attitude is as transparent as caramelized onions.

I might feel "empowered," but it's not because my family ditched me. I'm not "independent" right now; far from it. But I must continue to work on it. I'm working, and I don't have my hand out to anyone. I'm waiting for a tax return so I can save money and work on bringing my children home. I know it's not going to happen overnight, and I know it's not going to be easy, and it won't happen unless I do something to change it.

The thing too, is, she brings out what might appear to be the worst in me. Why do I do that to myself? Why do I become judgmental and hypercritical of someone, when I share those same faults?

I want to be kind, gentle, deferential and work hard at all those things. I want to be spiritual and I want to be a good provider for myself and my children. And yes, I do want to share those things with someone else. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do that. I want to share those things with someone who shares my same interests. I know that my children will grow up knowing me. Right now, it's just temporary that it's not that way. But it will change. I vow that. I owe them that.

But Cherie will never, ever be part of those plans, even if she should change. I don't trust her, and I don't want her in my life on that level. That's just the way it is, and what I've learned over the course of the past few months.

I want to move forward, as best as I can, and keep myself out of the mud pit that is and was a relationship that is no longer anything I want to be a part of.