Random thoughts, including good ones

I got married on March 17, 2012. Getting married again brings with it so many different thoughts. For one, I am 11 years older than I was the first time. Life is a lot more complicated. I have children, and in many respects more responsibilities. I sometimes think of the heady days before my first marriage, when I had no idea what to expect. Things were easier in a sense. This time, there is happily more of a sense of permanence, and of responsibility, and of doing things right.

The first time around, I had no idea what to expect. I have some idea now, but it's still not clear. I don't know if I want it to be. What I do know is that I have to take each day and use it, in the sense of my marriage, as if it were my last. That can mean wonderful things for myself and for my new bride, Hollie, but there's also a reality check here. That what I say, think and do matters to many people, not just myself. That I can never take for granted what has been given to me, and that I must always remember the good fortune I have had to be where I am. There are a lot of people who aren't.

I think of that often when I think of where I am at this point. I messed up epically last time, and I will always have to work toward making the relationship I have with my children better every single day. I can only hope that the same feeling prevails in our marriage. I need to learn patience, love, ambition, caring and humility when it comes to my relationship with Hollie. It doesn't happen overnight; nor is it accomplished over a period of years. It is a work in eternal progress.

Sometimes it helps to get these thoughts down so that I might be reminded of what I must do if I am to live the life I was truly intended to live.

Long time

I have not written here in so long. It's a week to Christmas, and once again, a lot of changes have happened in my life. I'm finishing the first semester back at school, and I hope to graduate in spring 2013. I am engaged now, and planning to marry in March. Not sure if I'll write again before the wedding.

So many things have happened. I am a student, a father, and once again soon, a husband. Not a bad place to be. I started this blog as a cathartic exercise to get my thoughts out after some fairly traumatic things happened to me, but my life has changed so much since I started writing this blog. I am endowed now at my church, which itself is a long time in coming. I have someone that I love very much. My children are with me frequently. So many things that didn't happen are happening now. The part of my life that was so difficult now actually seems far away. I don't like looking in the rear-view mirror. Yet if I don't, perhaps I'll never learn from the past, and the past mistakes I made. Those mistakes are never really far from me. They keep me honest and teach me never to take life for granted.

My life is not perfect; it probably never will and never should be. I should always be striving for the best no matter what. One moment of triumph should be spent seeking out the next, for I never should be satisfied. I also know that life and good times can be fleeting; for me not to cherish the good times and remember them would be foolhardy.

I am blessed, though, to be where I am, and it is the product of many people and not just one man. It is through my faith as well that I believe these things have happened to me. Without getting overt, without Heavenly Father very little of my good fortune is possible; He is also prompting me to never rest on that and to always move forward.

With that, I'll simply close by saying thank you to all who have made this possible and for making me the man that I am. I truly am blessed.

So many changes

I have not written here in such a long time, and so much has happened to me. The biggest news: I am returning to school in the fall at Idaho State University, to begin the teaching credential program. I have wanted to go back to school since forever, and a patriarchal blessing confirmed in 2005 what I have known for a long time. I want to go back to school and teach.

The biggest personal news I have is that I have met the love of my life. Hollie and I met in February and I love her more than anyone I can ever imagine. We are looking at a March 2012 wedding. I love her so much, and she complements me in ways I can't even comprehend. She completes me. Simple as that. She is smart, irreverent, and loves me, which is perhaps the most important thing of all. She loves my children, who are warming up to her, and I absolutely love her family, most of whom are local. I tell Hollie that I got the better end of the deal, and I won't ever forget that. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I thank my Heavenly Father for bringing her into my life.

We are planning a trip to California to meet my sister and parents in July.

I don't know how much I will continue to write here. My life has improved so much in the time I have been in Idaho. It is a struggle every day, but with the Lord's help and the love and support of people close to me, I am making it work. I cannot believe how lucky I am.

Getting started on the book

Ever since I moved to Idaho, a number of friends of mine have suggested that I begin writing a book. The idea is very intriguing, but honestly, who outside my family wants to read a me-centric, self-aggrandizing book about...me? And then I got to thinking -- maybe it doesn't matter if anyone reads it. I'm not doing it for money, I'm doing it for memoirs, for my children and my family and friends. I've never even so much as written a pamphlet, let alone a book. I suppose I could do it. I'm not David Sedaris or anything like that, but maybe it might be worthwhile to start reading him.

So last night, I decided that I would begin in earnest to at least explore the idea of writing the book. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a book about my experiences in Idaho. I even have a working title: "Searching for Satellite Signal," which is the most common tech complaint I get at work. It has a double meaning -- the obvious nod to my current workplace, and my wanting to find my place in a new land, with new responsibilities and all. I'm just not sure where to start.

I hope to leave no stone unturned should I actually see this book through. Wish me luck.

Christmas, and wanting someone special

I don't write here that often anymore, but I feel compelled to write something, because something has been on my mind all the time.

I want someone to love. Someone I can come home to, or just call and talk to, who is close by, who shares the same passions that I do, and most importantly, genuinely cares for me the way my heart aches to care for someone.

It is so hard, though. I have two children whom I love dearly. I don't want to subject them to a parade of people and have them get mixed signals. I love them too much to put them through all of that. And in a sense, I almost feel like it's not worth it, from the standpoint of being a father. I feel like I owe them everything, and I want them to have the best of what I have to offer.

But what about me? I long for someone to hug, to hold, to share thoughts and memories with. Someone to be there who can eventually love me for who I am, who isn't afraid to show love. I have so much love in my heart to give someone, and it does no good just sitting there, where no one can enjoy it or cherish it or experience it. I want someone to take that love and accept it.
So far, no one has.

It is Christmas, and I am thrilled that I get to spend it with my children. This will be the first time since 2007 that I have spent Christmas with them -- the first time in three years. That is fantastic, and I can't wait. I'm hoping to take them to Salt Lake City to see the lights on Temple Square just before Xmas. I need to find someone to wrap presents! I don't even have a Christmas tree!

It has been wonderful being with the kids these past four months. I have enjoyed every moment of it. I just hope they have enjoyed being with me as much as I have enjoyed being with them.

Challenges every day

I have been in Idaho for two months now. It is a challenge pretty much every single day. I'm either having to deal with things related to the kids, Cherie or some kind of financial shenanigans. I suppose that comes with the territory, and that I should expect that, after nearly a year of having no responsibility living in California.

But it has been nearly all good. In fact, the bad isn't bad at all when you consider most of it is just life: getting two jobs, moving into a new place, getting acclimated, meeting people and adjusting to a life that has my children in it a lot of the time.

That has been the best part of all of this: that Isaac and Savannah are with me frequently. I would watch them at any time, day or night, as long as I was not working. I love watching them, taking them places, watching them play together, even sharing the same room with them, which they insist on doing, when we go to sleep. I don't mind. I love them all so very much.

As far as my relationship with Cherie goes, that to is a work in progress. It has not been easy, but I am determined to make it work, for the sake of the children. I must make it work. I have to, for my sanity and theirs. We have begun attending a parenting class together, and are working toward helping Isaac and Savannah get the most out of the class that they can. It feels awkward, though, to be there with Cherie. I wish our relationship was better. If it is going to get better, it will be up to me.

For now, I'm continuing to work to improve myself and the lives of my children. They truly are a blessing to me.

It's almost moving day

There's too much to report at the moment, but I'm finally going to go home to be with Isaac and Savannah. It's been 2 1/2 long years, but they spent the past month and a half with me, and it was glorious. This is the toughest and easiest decision I've made, but I'm moving to Idaho. I have a place, and I'm looking for work.

I wouldn't be able to do any of this or make it very far without the help of loving family and friends, and their guidance and support. I have truly been blessed, even if I don't say it as much as I should or tell the people I care that. I am just glad to have finally made the plunge and taking this risk I believe will be the biggest challenge and greatest reward I'll ever receive.

I met wonderful people and renewed great friendships along this journey. And though I'm saying goodbye to family I love, and a woman with whom I love a great deal, I hope we all will reconnect and be together some day.

It's been a while since I've posted here, I realize, and a summer of great memories with Isaac and Savannah. Swimming, going to museums, ball games, street fairs, time with new relatives; the whole bit. It was a summer I will never forget as long as I live. My desire to be a part of their lives stems from the great times we had together in California for six weeks. I can't let them go, and I won't. I want to be Daddy and be a constant presence in their lives.

I love my children, and that's why I'm taking this challenge. It is, I believe, exactly what the Lord wants and needs me to do. He has been waiting for me. I am grateful to all of my family for taking me in a time of need. Now it's time to repay that love and generosity by being with my children and taking care of them.

I said I was going to leave a year ago; now, there is no way I'm going to back out on that promise now.