Testing my faith

I got an exceedingly enlightening, if somewhat sad email from my wife's aunt the other day. In it, Cherie's aunt expresses concern about her niece's welfare and the welfare of her grand-niece and nephew, and wonders if it somehow isn't prompted by my wife's distancing herself from the faith she once enjoyed.

I am not one to tell someone my faith is stronger than theirs, or that I am somehow, as the expression is sometimes used, "holier than thou." I have many faults myself -- faults that led me to the situation where I am now.

But I can say with certainty that my faith in Heavenly Father has guided me much over the past year and a half -- and yes, it's been that long -- to the point that my faith has told me that the way I had treated my family at times was categorically wrong, and must be rectified. Have I done enough? I don't think I will ever do enough. I will have never done enough in the eyes of the Lord or anyone else to perhaps ever justify what I did. The bottom line is, I did not try hard enough with my wife and children, and did not give them enough of myself.

But does there come a time when the tables are turned? When it becomes obvious that my spouse has become the person I once was? I think, to me, and apparently to others, that has become almost painfully obvious. It has become obvious to everyone except the person perpetrating these actions. The problem is, I can't be the one to point this out, and neither should I be. That's not exactly my job. That's the job of someone else. Or is it?

My wife has abandoned many of the principles for which I grew to love her. And she has not shown my children these positive principles, either, and has used me increasingly as a conduit for money only. It's an observation that people other than myself have long made.

My faith is constantly being tested here, and I'm not even sure if I'm worthy. But I believe the Lord, as the saying goes, only gives us what He believes we can bear. I can get through this. And if I can help my loved ones through it, I will.

Time to keep my mouth shut

Of all the advice I've been given over the past 15 months, this is the best: Keep my mouth shut. It's very similar to the saying, if I have nothing nice to say, then I should say nothing at all. Most of the time, my mouth (or my keyboard) gets me in trouble, and I come off whining about why people can't change. It's because I can't change, and I think I know what's best for other people. That simply is not true.

So that's what I'm going to do, I think. Keep my mouth shut.

Either it was a bombshell, or I'm incredibly naive, or neither

For the better part of a year, I have tried to practice this concept of unconditional love. Most of the time, I have failed. Oh, I've thought about it plenty. But in practice, it rarely comes out like it is supposed to. Now, I have to summon all of my strength to practice it to the fullest, because of a recent development I learned today.

My wife (a term which I doubt I will be using much longer) and I have been conversing a bit lately. Mind you, it's the kind of conversation one might have with a casual friend or even a serviceable roommate or significant other. "You OK?" "How are you?" "Can I help you with anything?" or, lately, "Do you need any money?" Nothing more than that, really, though I've been longing for so much more for such a long time.

Being as long-winded as I am, I'll simply cut to the chase now. I called Cherie this afternoon to tell her how I was doing health-wise. I figure, at the very least, she has a right to know, lest the money gravy train suddenly grind to a halt without her knowledge.

That's a crude way of saying things, I know, but you'll understand in a minute why I feel that way. Some dude answered her phone.

Hello.

I ask if I could speak to Cherie. She's not here, the voice on the other end of the phone said. She's taking her daughter back to her dad's house.

And who, may I ask, is this?

This is her boyfriend, the voice answered.

Now, like the title of this post suggests, either I'm incredibly naive to believe that she hasn't seen anyone in the past 15 months, or this person is outright lying. I have no idea. I say naive, because, well, in 15 months, I haven't even looked at anyone in any other way except as a friend.

I'm still married. I have the ring on my finger, though it's probably going to go off very soon. Every thought I have had, and my actions have suggested, that I want my wife and I to work things out. That's my perspective, and I have a right to that perspective.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Yanni," he said, though I thought at first he said something else. Yanni, like the new-age smooth jazz dude favored by late-blooming yuppies in the 90s. That guy. The long, flowing hair and weird vibes. That dude.

Ohhhh-kayyyyy. Never mind that we're still married, she's still calling me all the time for money, and the fact that there are TWO KIDS wondering WTF is going on here. Never mind the fact that for all of her bombast saying she wants a divorce, I've never seen papers cross my mailbox.

Never mind the fact that, well, gee, I guess she's not going to the bishop anymore or raising the kids in the church anymore -- the same church and faith that, for me at least, has seemingly outlasted our marriage, for God's sake.

What do I do? A cynic would say the writing's been on the wall for a long time now, and to cut my losses and move on. But is that what I want? Absolutely not. Do I wait for her to give me an explanation? Is she unaware this twit even talked to me? Did she want him to? And why is she even bothering to communicate with me if in fact she does have someone else? Why wouldn't she just come out and tell me? I'm a grown man; I can deal with it. It's not like I haven't thought things have been over for some time. Why would I have to hear this from someone other than herself?

I would say that I might feel like crying or wringing my hands here; but strangely, I don't. If she wants to move on, that's her business. It doesn't change my game plan at all. I still have those kids to worry about and love, and want to be near them. People have been telling me that for months. That's still the plan, and I still plan to forge forward, whether or not "Yanni" -- be he real or imagined -- is in the picture at all.

I wonder, Heavenly Father, if the concept of unconditional love can withstand this test. If it is in fact a test, you can rest assured I will pass it again with flying colors.

A time for life-altering decisions, methinks

I started writing this a while back and then had to stop. That means I lost my train of thought. So here goes, a Cliffs Notes version of the past week and a half. On Memorial Day, I was bombarded with a massive headache, vomiting and some dizziness. Classic symptoms of the failure of a shunt in my head that I've had since birth. It's failed before, and this time, they didn't replace the shunt, which drains fluid from my brain.

It's called hydrocephalus, this condition, and it has been with me for my entire life. I was born with it, and I've had to deal with it. So, now, I am. I've got blurred vision, a slightly pulsating headache and some other assorted maladies. I'm alive, however, and I am determined to push forward.

This episode has taught me that I can't wait for anything. The economy's pace appears to be quickening, and though I've had a job throughout the entire downturn (I've been employed steadily in various jobs since Oct. 2000), I can only hope that the economy, combined with a renewed sense to live life to its fullest potential, despite the hardships I face, must be conquered now.

I live far from my family. That must change. Soon. I need to forge positive bonds with them. At any cost. I wrote earlier about the concept of unconditional love to my wife (not that she would even read such a thing I would write to her, but I can hope, and that's why I did it) and I want to practice it for her. She did a somewhat ill-advised thing today which I had to help her out of. It's not something I would do, not with two kids, no money, et. al., but I'm not perfect and for me to pass judgment on what she did would probably be wrong. So I won't. Let's just say it wouldn't be me.

I can only hope that the economy's quickening pace, as well as some well-timed financial assistance (from the government or otherwise) will help propel me to a new and improved personal and professional future. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but the tenous situation with my physical well-being over the past few weeks, the constant pull to be with my family, and the need to be financially solvent have, at least in terms of a general feeling, created a perfect storm inside myself. Why not take the leap and just drive away from it all, get close to the family, and let the chips fall where they may?

I've been told of that option many times, by people who care. I've been scared of that option because it doesn't seem "safe" or "prudent." Well, in late 2005, I moved my family to Wyoming. That did not turn out to be a safe or prudent move for any of us. Why would doing something like that, with a somewhat better mapped game plan, prove unsafe?

I have to start moving. It's time to hang up the karaoke microphone, hit the gym, practice unconditional love, work hard, get an education and stand up and be a husband and father. It's time. I can't waste any more of it.