Friends, family and positive communication

I came home this year for Thanksgiving. Yes, I've been home for a while now, as I look to regroup and figure out the next steps in my life.

It was a very good holiday. I was at my sister's house, and a lot of her husband's family was there, including some people I'd only seen once before. They were good people, and my mom was there, and some friends of hers, and others.

I met a lot of people I'd never said more than two words to before. Over the course of two days, I discovered that my sister and her husband are gracious hosts, and they've got things pretty together. It's a beautiful thing to watch, as they juggle family, work and social activities. I'd guess you could say they "get it."

I spent a lot of time talking to these folks, eating way too much food and doing my best to mingle. For a very long time, I was a good conversationalist. Then, about two years ago, I kinda went into a shell and stopped talking to a lot of people. Oh, I was friendly, but not the person I once was, for obvious reasons.

I had a long conversation with a lifelong friend of my brother-in-law's. He has gone through many of the same things I went and am going through. I spilled a lot to him, much of which I've written about in this blog. We seemed to click on a lot of levels. He understood where I was coming from in regards to the treatment of my family up to, and after we drifted apart and split. It was probably more than I was willing to divulge, but this guy listened, like a lot of people have.

I tried not to mince words -- there's no point, really, because what I did, I still feel much shame and embarrassment and hurt over. I hurt people more than I ever realized, and that's the bottom line.

What I have a problem with is mending that hurt. Too often, my hurt gets thrown back into my wife and childrens' faces. I'm still learning to stop that.

Having said that, Cherie and I had a decent conversation this Thanksgiving, which is a lot better than the conversation we had last Thanksgiving, when I went all "woe is me" on her. I didn't do that this time. Not a chance in Hades. Besides, who are we kidding? We both know that we hurt each other. Anyway, she actually asked me if I was planning to see the kids for Christmas. I told her yes, that I actually had plans to do so, and that my mom might come too. I don't know if she will, but I think I must make plans.

Our conversation was even-keel at best. I want so much more, of course, but she has to want it, too. I don't think her relationship with her man is legit, but that doesn't matter either, except if he's teaching Isaac how to smoke meth or Savannah how to doll herself up inappropriately.
At this point, I'll take even-keel. The trick, the goal, is to treat her in such a way that these conversations develop into meaningful ones about life and the kids. I have such a long way to go. She doesn't trust me from Adam at this point, though if she gave me a sign, I'd blow that door so wide open the Pacific Ocean would flow through.

I am not perfect. Never have been. Never will be. But I have to drive this boat here. She's not coming with me until she sees that I'm not the man she left. Even at that, she may never come back. But she might realize, and we might realize, a better relationship for everyone involved.