Like an open wound

In relationships, if you are fortunate enough, if you say something that offends someone, you generally have the chance to apologize or at least clarify something that you said that offended the person.

Furthermore, I believe that if you say something to offend someone, or if someone says something to offend you, the reason why it offends you is because you perhaps care about the person who said the offending message, and you want that issue resolved.

It has been 18 months since my wife and I split. And to this day, she still feels as if I "wronged" her in some way. Now, granted, this blog is written from my point of view, and I try to be objective. Maybe I can't effectively put myself in her shoes, or vice versa, but here goes.

At nearly every turn, when she asks for money, I oblige. It's not always as much as she wants it to be, but I certainly don't ever ignore those requests when she asks. We're still married, so legally, I'm not obligated to give her more than I would. I do my best. I don't like throwing money around as a show of my parental fitness -- being a parent means more than just flashing the plastic. But I give her money when she asks, and often when she does not.

I have been out of work for a month now, which makes it hard for me to give her any money. She's not working either. Yet, she feels it necessary to rope me into a guilt trip about money, saying she has to take care of three kids, etc., etc.

We're not divorced. We're still married. I have nothing against the woman that I love that I married nearly nine years ago. I've certainly made my mistakes since we've been separated, and mistakes I'm not proud of. And yet, she still thinks I have it out for her, that me not contributing to her means I'm trying to punish her.

If a well has no water, can you drink from it?
If all you have to offer is fool's gold, is it worth anything to a jewler?
If you buy something on credit with no means to pay it back, is it fraud?

That's my point. This woman, who still sees fit to draw wedges between she and I and our children, criticizes me for not giving her money. If she wants me to bust out my parents' Monopoly set and give her cash, I'd gladly do it. But that money is as worthless as a piece of ocean-front property in Wyoming.

And yet, I'm given the same old song-and-dance about how she's supporting the children. Really? How? Through the state of Idaho welfare department? Why not ask her tatted-up, drugged out fiance for cash? Never mind that he, too, is unemployed.

After all, she's the one who took the kids away from me in the middle of the day, leaving me with no say as to their well-being. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye.
It was a choice that she made at the time that she felt was justified.
From my perspective -- and the perspective of each member of both of our respective families, many of whom she no longer communicates with, that decision she made has not been justified for some time. The only person who somehow believes she is justified, is my wife. And she is blind.

I have nothing against my wife. I screwed up a ton of times. I've apologized and owned up to my mistakes a thousand times. I've had nothing but a year and a half to think about what I've done, and all the hurt I caused. This blog is full of my own self-loathing about that subject.

It's time to move on from the stance that I am somehow hurting her or the children. I know those children are not happy, nor are they being given the love and support they need.

And yet, why am I the one who is hurting about our most recent conversation? Because I love her, and I still have feelings for her. For the first time since she left, I can't bring myself to pray for her and the children at night or in the morning. Why?

Because I'm hurt, too. I'm hurt by the fact that after a year and a half, she's still at square one with our relationship, just like the day she left. She hasn't grown a lick or even tried to understand where I'm coming from. I have no choice but to try and understand her. I've failed so many times, yes, but I am always and forever hopeful she'll listen to me, and I will listen to her, and we can have positive communication beyond a simple, "Do you have money" request from her. Because that's the only time she's positive with me. When she wants something.

It's why this hurts so much. I pray about it all the time, but I can't get my heart or soul wrapped around the fact that this woman deserves my love and compassion and forgiveness. It's like, for the first time since I realized the magnitude of what I've done, that it has become nearly impossible to ask Heavenly Father for me to soften my own heart to pray for her and the children at night.

All I have been thinking about for two days is, "why should I?" She doesn't care about me. She doesn't care about my financial situation any more than she would a beggar on the street. Why should I pray for someone who pretends with all her might not to even care about the father of her children?

In just writing that, I feel Heavenly Father tapping me on the shoulder and saying that I should pray for her and the children, that no one man is bigger than the situation, and despite our differences, every person deserves to be loved.

I keep hoping that with each passing day, she'll understand me, and I'll better understand her. I really, honestly pray for that each day, even if I don't tell Heavenly Father that out loud.

Now, I think I'll go to bed and pray for them all. Because they deserve my love, whether they choose to return it to me or not.