The beginning of the end

Today, for the first time, I took a hard look at the divorce papers. And I found out there are some things in there I can change, or at least respond to, that will trigger a hearing that may help me get what I need in this divorce.

I hate that word so much, because it is not what I want, but I don't have much choice. If I let it go, then she gets everything she wants. I have to at least answer her demands. I am hopeful this can be done in the least painful way possible for Cherie and I.

It's over. It really is. There is nothing that I can do that will make her come back. If she chooses to come back, it will be because she chooses to do so, not because I asked her.

I feel OK about it. It of course isn't what I envisioned when I married Cherie, but perhaps, after eight years of marriage, maybe I never really took it serious enough to warrant being a marriage for the long haul. Perhaps I chose the wrong person. The more I think about it, the more that becomes a plausible situation. Perhaps she chose the wrong person, too. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to ask her.

What I do know, however, is that my heart is still virtually full of love for someone else. The love I have for my children never changes -- that love is boundless and endless. Do I have love in my heart for someone else, whomever that may be? I'm going to go on the record and say yes, I do. Do I want to be married again? Too early to tell, but if I do, there unfortunately will have to be a fairly steep set of guidelines that anyone I am involved with will have to be committed to. And I would expect that the other person would have a pretty stringent set of guidelines, too.

It's not really time to think about that now. For the first time since 1999, I feel free. Free to do my own things, chart my own course, and be the man I want and need to be.

Will I ever get married again? I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to share my life with someone else. I do. But I have bigger priorities now that must be addressed before we ever get to that. I've spent nearly two years brooding over this.

I will always love Cherie, and I will always keep the door open. She knows that. There is a built-in love that will always be available to her.

But now, I've got much more pressing matters to attend to.