Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas 2009: 99 percent good, one percent ridiculous

Spent Christmas split between my sister's house and my brother's place near Sacramento. It was probably as nice as it could have bee, without my children.

For years, I have read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" to my children, even when I wasn't there for them. Last year, I read it to them over the phone.

This year? The wife couldn't even figure out a way to have the kids contact me on Christmas Eve. So no, I didn't read them a story like I had so many times before.

And when it came to actually speaking to them, I was given exactly five minutes and nine seconds to talk to them -- which once they figured out who I was, I said hello and was able to make it past the boyfriend's Russian mother's accent -- was probably closer to three minutes.

Three minutes to share with two children what their Christmas was like. That's one-and-one-half minutes per child.

It almost takes me that long to blink.

And here's the kicker: Just as has been the case before, no one seems fit enough over there to pay for a phone with long distance. Jim had the same problem with Destiny. He didn't have long distance on his phone.

This is nearly 2010, not 1910. What person in this day and age doesn't have long-distance phone service? Even I, with my crappy pay-as-you-go phone, have long distance. No, my phone doesn't have a camera on it, can't take video, and, as far as I can tell, you can't download ringtones or ring-back tones of songs about how someone's ex-husband is a tool that an unsuspecting person has to hear every time he calls to tell his kids how much he loves and misses them.

Nope, I just have a simple phone that even little ol' me keeps charged and filled with minutes, just in case the kids want to call me...obviously since I can't call them, cuz Mom hasn't paid her phone bill.

It's pretty close to Christmas, and I should have the Spirit inside of me, but even I struggle with the notion of being kind and burying my negative feelings about what transpired between the kids and I this Christmas. I really did have a nice Christmas, visiting family and friends, some of whom I hadn't seen in a long time. They were all very kind and generous to me, as they have been for such a long time. My brother's wife is pregnant, so that's definitely a thrill.

But it is indeed hard to concentrate on all of the joy that the season brings when your greatest joy -- that of reconnecting with loved ones -- gets derailed time and time again. And I pretty much have to smile, and forgive, and never bring the subject up again, for fear of having it being brought up against me.

I have to do the Christ-like thing that she never has done during this time. Forgive her, forge ahead and move on, and hope that I get to talk to the kids sometime before we have to wear parkas in Hades.

I wonder sometimes: Is it really worth it to be so kind to someone who doesn't deserve it? I didn't pray for Cherie and the kids last night. I was too upset. I'm still pretty hot about what happened, mostly because I can't believe Cherie can't get her act together enough to have the decency to allow me to talk to my kids on Christmas.

I will pray for them tonight, if only because I know that if I am to be blessed, I must, must forgive those who continually shoot arrows at me.

I only wish it wasn't so bloody hard, and that the pain I feel inside would go away.


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