A good convo, post-relationship

I had a nearly hour-long conversation with Cherie on Thursday morning. It was the most even-handed conversation I've probably ever had with her.

We talked about a lot of things that were meaningful...her school, how she's doing (seems to be doing fairly well); about Christmas (sadly, I won't be there), how her mom's doing (nearly off the drugs to wean her off addiction to painkillers), about the kids...about my job search.

If we are ever to have a relationship -- one where we can talk civilly to each other -- it's probably going to have to start with me. We will probably never be together again, but at least perhaps we can be friends. I always want that. I want more, of course, but friends is where it will be for the foreseeable future.

As I've said before, I think most of the effort will have to come from me. She doesn't have to make an effort. But I do, for the sake of the children. Understand, this woman is someone I love and someone I would accept for all of her shortcomings, but she does not want that. Still, our conversation was a good one. It was quite relaxed, in fact. Like there was no pressure involved. Which is what I have wanted all along, and the way I've been instructed to act from very early on in this, which I have not.

Perhaps there was no pressure because we both realize that there won't be an "us" anymore, as much as I would like there to be. There's certainly no pressure on her part -- she's already moved on. Is there pressure on me? Not really, for what pressure is there to treat someone kindly? None.

I know I'm spinning a pipe dream here, but what if this were to continue? Let's not think about that now. I have too many things to take care of, mainly my health, a job, my education and my children.

She asked me about the papers. I simply said it is what it is, and that I of course never wanted this, but that we both would get through this. I suppose what I want in our relationship doesn't matter at the moment. Maybe this is the unconditional love Heavenly Father was talking about -- giving somebody something they want or treating them the way they want to be treated, no matter what the outcome is. No, I don't want a divorce. I love Cherie with all of my heart, and I want the kids to be with us always, together. I love them more than life itself.

But maybe we just let time take its course. I am not expecting it to be easy, and there probably will be more tears shed over this. I hope there isn't. It won't be easy, and it's not what I want. Perhaps both parties may realize that a split isn't what they want either, and that the person they wanted all along was staring right in front of them.

That's exactly how I feel, anyway.