I blew it

Well, my euphoria lasted exactly one week. I blew it. I had been talking with my stepdaughter for a week...practically every day. We talked tonight, and I probably overstepped my boundaries, and she cut me off. That's it. I wonder if I'll ever talk to her again.

I seriously doubt it. I learned a lot about her. I am not a therapist (though I seriously wish I was) but that young woman has a lot of complex, difficult issues that I could not solve. How could I expect to solve a problem that had been festering for several years, in a week's worth of conversations?

I wish someone would have stopped me. I wish we could have talked simply about the things she was into, her hopes and dreams. Leave out all that other stuff, and save it for another time.
Someone I've chatted with a few times even suggested that: Don't deal with the problems at hand. Just deal with positive things.

I put too much stock in this. Really, I did. I mean, she's an adolescent with so many issues, she just wanted a friend. And I really didn't give it to her. One wonders if I learned anything from this exercise. Perhaps I didn't. I know people might say that I did, but I look at the end result. The end result is another broken relationship. I know people can say that I tried. Well, for God's sake, I didn't try hard enough. The thing is, I have to try harder than I ever have at anything else in my life. It requires a superhuman feat.

I always thought that if I got a chance to meet Destiny, we'd end up hugging. I now know that would have been impossible. But why does someone have to have such a rough exterior? I know I have to be the bigger person in this, but why do I have to do all of the lifting, not just the heavy part?

It's still very hard to do this. I know that Heavenly Father has tested me, and He will continue to test me. It just seems like I fail every test He gives me.

I wonder if I'll ever get it right, even if Heavenly Father gives me an instruction manual in English, with step-by-step directions. I'd probably fail at that, too.

Impatience

I am not a patient man. This, I have had to learn the hard way, especially over the past 18 months.

I sit at this computer, secretly waiting for someone to contact me. I don't want to contact them, because doing so, I feel, would invade their privacy at this point.

And yet, I can't help but wonder: Is Destiny thinking of me? Because I sure am thinking about her. We had such a good conversation yesterday, but we have so many miles and miles to go.
And yet, I want the pace to quicken. I want to get to the point where we can be friends. Where she seeks me out.

It's difficult to expect that from a teenager, and to do so would be unfair to her. I have hurt her, and perhaps she simply wants a break. Perhaps, she's having a good time doing what people her age are doing: listening to music, instant messaging their friends, talking on their cell phones, listening to Disturbed on someone's iPod.

Is it too much to expect so much from someone whom you need to make amends to? Perhaps. I wonder if I'm expecting too much, or looking forward to too much.

I would be remiss, however, if I didn't point out this one fact, however slight it may be. I wished my wife a happy anniversary today, for it is our 8th anniversary. It is the second anniversary we have spent apart, but I will forge ahead with that, too. I need to show her that I love her and care for her, no matter what happens.

She actually wished me a happy anniversary. I wonder if it was just reflex. Maybe it was something else?

I can assume none of this. I have no idea. Just as I have no idea what's going on in Destiny's head.

I feel like shouting to Heavenly Father: I JUST WANT TO BE A FAMILY AGAIN!

But He already knows that. He knows it all. Whether it be His will is another matter entirely. I think He wants me to work harder. So harder I will work.

Am I impatient? Absolutely. Do I wish I had more patience? Yes, I do. I wish I had all the patience in the world. Perhaps it's a good thing that I do not.

I don't know what else to say. I don't want progress to stop.

Something good every day?

Well, Thursday was pretty much euphoria for me. Oh, how I want it to continue. I have wanted something good to happen every day since. I realize that's not always possible.

I loved so much just talking with my stepdaughter. It made me feel SO GOOD inside. I know I hurt her a lot, and she's probably very confused inside. I wish, though, that she could see that I really do love her. I hope to show her every time we speak.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and I am very grateful for that day. It means I get to fast. And I will fast, because for whatever reason, I can feel good things about to happen. I don't want to jinx this, but I have to think that praying to Heavenly Father and being faithful will help me. It certainly can't do anything but good things.

I was talking to a friend of mine whom I've reconnected with online recently. He is a former member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I guess I should say he is an inactive member of the church. Jon and I have had numerous conversations online over the past few weeks, and I have to respect his beliefs.

However, he told me that I might be angry at the Lord if what I wanted to happen did not happen. How could I ever be angry with the Lord? I have to respect Jon, because his faith is his own, and I do not think it fair to speak ill of his choices. But being angry at the Lord? Why would I ever be angry at the Lord? I may never get exactly what I want: my family back, but I can't fault Him for not making it so. So much of what I do depends on me as well as my faith. I like to think of the Lord as someone who can, if it be His will, push us over the hump. If I'm being cross with my family, for example, and wanting Him to help me, well, then I have to look at myself to ensure that I'm doing the right things so that He can be in a position to help me.

I think the saying is, "If the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
For the longest time, the student (me) was not ready, and thus, the teacher did not appear. Well, I have been ready for quite some time, and He has been there to help me. I tell others that I have not been as good to my family as I should be, and they scoff at me, as if I've done everything right. If I had done everything right, wouldn't my family be here with me? It's been a long time since I've consistently done things right, so my family isn't here. It has to be doing good over a long period of time -- a long, sustained period. If it be His will, they will come back. But I have to make the effort, every single day. I cannot let one day go and not do something positive.

I am just fortunate that I will fast tomorrow, and perhaps the good that will come out of that day will be that I am doing something for myself, and for others, in the long run.

I sure would like to talk to Destiny again, though. I do love you.

A miracle

I talked to my stepdaughter today. A lot. She messaged me on Facebook, where I seem to spend a lot of my time. I was just about falling out of my chair when I saw it. It was odd, because I had just spent the last day or so crushed because of conversations I had with my wife and her, well, "friend" the previous day.

Let's just say I was pretty mad and upset by that conversation. I tried to keep it in perspective, but it was hard to do. I called my friend Gordon and vented, like I do a lot. Gordon and his wife are such good listeners.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty bummed about the whole freaking exchange, and it only made me feel worse throughout the day. I even went outside and thought about just packing my stuff up and moving.

Then, I sat quietly on the bench outside of work and prayed to Heavenly Father to let something good happen to me.

He answered my prayer within minutes! Never has something like that ever happened to me! I came in, and there was a message from Destiny. I couldn't believe my eyes. Destiny and I talked a bunch of times on Wednesday and I learned a lot about her. She loves sports, has a bit of a questionable :) taste in music, and, like almost all teens, s0me issues with relationships. I had to save the conversation from the jaws of defeat once, because she got pretty dark. But I talked about things she liked, what she was doing. I learned more about her in the past eight hours than I ever did, probably, when she was living with us. That's probably my biggest mistake -- that I didn't get to know or love Destiny when I had the chance.

Well, I have the chance now, for as long as it lasts. I do love that person, and I want her to be happy, no matter where she is.

I have to stop and thank my Heavenly Father for a day like today -- the greatest day of my life, or at least in the past seven months, since I saw my children. I can only hope, and pray, that this continues.

I wish you the best, Destiny. Thank you for making the effort to come back into my life. I will always appreciate that.

"345"

No, that's not the title of Frank Miller's sequel to the epic "300." In fact, I'm not going to tell anyone what it is. Just have to figure it out for yourself.

Let's just say I have a lot of work to do. Yesterday, I did something I hadn't done in like nearly two years. It felt good and quite embarrassing, to be honest. But as the saying goes, you have to start from somewhere. So I did.

And no one gave me weird vibes, either. They simply told me to go for it, and said it would be good in the end.

I just hope I can stay with it. I think I can, but I need to not worry about the future so much in that arena and just take it one day at a time.

I'll keep this post short, and from time to time, may update people on the status of this very important number.

About 10 years ago

A decade ago, I was in a very different place. I was out of work, and looking for work. I had returned home, because, obviously, I didn't have money for rent.

It was a time period a bit like it is now. It was a time for great introspection on my part. The difference then, of course, was years. I was 25, had very little responsibility, and really didn't know what the world held in store for me. I was just wanting to get a job in journalism so I could move out on my own and not have to worry about others doing things for me.

I was in the midst of a weight-loss regimen. I worked out like five days a week, without fail. Eventually, I was able to shed about 70 pounds from my frame. People I knew said that's why I was able to do things socially, because I had lost weight.

By the end of the summer, I was on my way to getting a great job, looking and feeling good. By November of that year, I scored the job, and within the next month, my future wife. The end of the year was a lot better than the first part of the year. I think it was because I became determined to do the things I had to do at the time to make me happy.

This time is no different, although the responsibilities are greater and the stakes are certainly much higher. I am going to start working out tomorrow, and I will continue to find ways to get closer to my family. That's what I want. Everything else is basically a waste of time. If I'm not moving forward, I'm moving backward.

This time, however, I have more people rooting for me than I did all those years ago. I also have the Lord on my side. And I feel confident, that with the Lord next to me, anything is possible.

A good support group

Had "dinner" this evening with a good friend of mine. Actually, dinner was a free banana split, and it reminded me of how much I have to curb that type of consumption.

Ross is a good friend of mine. A former colleague at the newspaper, Ross welcomed me into his home for a week when I returned to California last year. The guy is a really good conversationalist, a lover of sports and a man whom I share a few things in common with.

When I spent a week with him upon returning to California, he took the time to talk to me at length about my relationship with my wife and children. The interesting thing is, I thought I knew a lot about how I had to be back then. Believe it or not, I learned today that I have so much more to learn, and will continue to do so.

A lot of the time, even on this blog, I discuss how I should be and how I want to be. That doesn't always end up being the case in real life. It needs to be. So, in a sense, people see me in a certain way, others I love see me in other ways. The important thing is to have everyone see me as I would like to see myself.

This means that I must practice what I say, in theory. I think the jury is still out on that one. I can say that with a virtual certainty because I have, for many days now, felt the urge to call Cherie and simply talk to her in the friendliest of terms. I haven't done it. I want to call and talk to Isaac and Savannah and ask them how their day was. Quite frankly, I'm a bit scared.

The question is, why? Ross explained to me that when he and his wife call or visit his wife's daughter and her children, they're all talking about the visit for days. Then days go by, and people forget. I think that's where I might be with Isaac and Savannah, and to a lesser extent, Cherie. If I called them every single day to talk to them, and talked to them in the most respectful, friendly tone, how would they ever forget that? And, wouldn't that go a long way in having them believe I am what I want to be?

I have fear and trepidation that negative feelings will leak out. Why? Why would they ever? If I really loved someone, why would I ever worry about making them feel bad? I'm not sure. But the more I write this, the more it seems like I just need to stop writing and do it.

Ross and I have had a lot of good conversations, and I thank him for his friendship and his willingness to spot me a free banana split. I hope to simply pay it forward with my family as best I can, knowing there are no strings attached.

Letter to my children

I'm going to dedicate this blog post to my children. Isaac is six years old, and for a long time, he and Daddy were inseperable. I love that boy so much. I worry about him a lot. Isaac is a very sensitive boy, and until last year, he and Daddy were very, very close. It's hard to write this -- I have tears running down my face -- but Isaac, my boy, my Zoopy, I love him so much. I have to say that when I think about my children and I dream about them, he plays a prominent role.

Savannah is such a wonderful little girl. She's four years old, and I have to admit, the last time I visited them, I could not get enough of holding her and kissing and hugging her. She loved being in my arms. I dream about Savannah all the time. She is a very smart little girl, and has a smile that can melt your heart.

I have missed them every single day since they left. They did not ask for this. They did not ask for Mommy and Daddy to have problems, or for Mommy and Daddy to not be able to see past their problems for the benefit of both of them.

It has become my responsibility to take care of this, since my wife will not. If I don't make changes soon, those kids will twist in the wind. I want them to grow up happy, well-adjusted and aware of the world around them. They are not, and it's obvious why. My wife has decided to cast her lot with another man, and as I have seen first hand, the children lose out when that happened. It happened to Destiny, and I do not want it to happen to Isaac and Savannah.

I think of Isaac and Savannah every day, but thinking about them does not make them come home, nor does it solve anything. They need Daddy to step up to the plate and take care of them. Mommy isn't going to do it. She's too focused on some new man and struggling with money to think of them fully.

I hopefully will go up to Idaho soon and get this straightened out. I think it's time to end it, quite frankly, which is a mistake I do not want to make. But I want Isaac and Savannah to be happy, and not pulled in a million different directions They don't deserve that, and I won't drag this out any longer. Let Cherie and I deal with this in a way that doesn't hurt the children. That's a bit of a lie, because they will always be hurt by two people unable to get along or settle their differences. The best thing I can do for you, Isaac and Savannah, is make sure you're happy. I am sorry for not being there when I should have been. That's wrong on my part, and I'm going to try and fix it.

I love you, Isaac and Savannah. Daddy's coming to help you.

Working independently

This is a little unbelievable. My wife and I have had frequent conversations the past three days or so. And we have said nothing cross to each other.
I know. It's just three days. But I feel better about my relationship with her than I have in MONTHS. I have to keep it going.

I realize only I may be the one thinking about this progress I'm making. That's fine. Isn't that what they say, to simply work on yourself first?

I had lunch with a good friend of mine. George is my father's age, but I've known him for nearly 10 years now. He was an editor at the paper I work at for several years, and then a reporter. He left once and came back, just like me. When I returned to Grass Valley, he let me stay with him and his wife for two weeks. We had a good talk. When I talk with George, I let him do most of the talking. He and his wife are good people.

I might be buying a car from him one of these days. I told him there's no way two kids can fit in the cab of a pickup truck. What does that mean? Only that I have to prepare for the possibility of getting my kids someday soon.

Regarding the conversations with Cherie -- they're not great ones -- more like, "Hey, how's it going." If they have to be more like that for weeks before something else develops, then fine. Rome wasn't built in a day, and San Francisco still hasn't fully recovered from Loma Prieta. She isn't going to do much for me. That I have to understand. But I can certainly do much for her, and I will. I think I realize pretty clearly when I haven't done what I'm supposed to do or treat her or the children the way I would like.

Progress? I suppose Cherie will have to decide for herself. I certainly am not going to throw a monkey wrench in whatever I'm trying to accomplish.

Jason Aldean, Wyoming and memories

It's very late this morning -- or early, depending on your point of view. I'm listening to one of my favorite "new" country artists -- Jason Aldean. Jason's a great singer, and his songs have lots of meaning.

For me, Jason Aldean is a bittersweet memory. My wife gave me his debut CD for Christmas just after we moved to Wyoming in 2005. I must have listened to that CD a hundred gazillion times. It reminds me of driving in our old Suburban in the snow in the winter in Wyoming. His songs have lots of things to say. He can rock like a country boy or belt out a ballad like the best of them.

I really liked the CD. I especially like the songs that make me think of the past: "Asphalt Cowboy," and "I Believe in Ghosts." The second song is a favorite of my son Isaac's. He LOVED to sing that song in the car.

I think of Wyoming when I think of Jason Aldean. Wyoming is a place of some sad memories for me, for it's where the wheels fell off of our marriage. I've been trying to put them back on ever since (see previous post). I also think of my son, of snow, of way cold winters, and of being together. I wish sometimes I could pop in the Aldean CD and rewind back to those times.

I can't do that, so the best thing I can do is go forward. I'll carry the songs of Jason Aldean with me as I do.

Not going to give up

I am writing this because I don't want to give up on my marriage. I know in my heart that my marriage is the most important thing to me...my marriage and my family.
I stumble quite a bit in dealing with the problems of my marriage. I often take wrong turns and find it impossible to find my way back or find that it takes too long to go back on what I think is the right track.

I had a good conversation with Cherie the other day. No, none of the conversations have ever been "good" since she left. By good, I mean we were able to communicate without stumbling over each other or offending each other.

How hard is that, Heavenly Father, to simply share a conversation with someone and not offend or hurt them? Have we come so far down in our relationship that it's all we can do? Why? If we want someone to feel like we do, isn't it the thing to do, to make them feel good, rather than apply negative pressure to them?

I want to learn so much about the right way to do things, the right way to say things, the right way to treat people. And yet, when I'm confronted with speaking to my spouse, it almost always crumbles. I can read up on marriage fitness, marriage restoration and all kinds of good books. And yet, most of the time, the conversation I have with her ends up where I generally regret at least part of the conversation. I feel like simply starting out with smalltalk: "Hello. How are you. Can I talk to the kids?" And then when the conversation is over, I simply end it thusly: "If there's anything you need or want to talk about, let me know. I'm just a phone call away."
It's often too hard to just keep it to that, you know? I can write about it until I'm blue in the face, but to be honest, she and I have had, in the last year and a half, only about a half-dozen conversations that started and ended that way.

I wonder. What if every conversation we had from now on was like that? Would she have anything negative to say then? I don't really think so.

I haven't tried hard enough, for her or the children. Those children, most of all, need me to step up and treat Mommy with class and dignity. I will do it for them, and for us.

Someday, I want to write something supremely positive on this blog. I hope that day comes sooner than later.