Not going to give up

I am writing this because I don't want to give up on my marriage. I know in my heart that my marriage is the most important thing to me...my marriage and my family.
I stumble quite a bit in dealing with the problems of my marriage. I often take wrong turns and find it impossible to find my way back or find that it takes too long to go back on what I think is the right track.

I had a good conversation with Cherie the other day. No, none of the conversations have ever been "good" since she left. By good, I mean we were able to communicate without stumbling over each other or offending each other.

How hard is that, Heavenly Father, to simply share a conversation with someone and not offend or hurt them? Have we come so far down in our relationship that it's all we can do? Why? If we want someone to feel like we do, isn't it the thing to do, to make them feel good, rather than apply negative pressure to them?

I want to learn so much about the right way to do things, the right way to say things, the right way to treat people. And yet, when I'm confronted with speaking to my spouse, it almost always crumbles. I can read up on marriage fitness, marriage restoration and all kinds of good books. And yet, most of the time, the conversation I have with her ends up where I generally regret at least part of the conversation. I feel like simply starting out with smalltalk: "Hello. How are you. Can I talk to the kids?" And then when the conversation is over, I simply end it thusly: "If there's anything you need or want to talk about, let me know. I'm just a phone call away."
It's often too hard to just keep it to that, you know? I can write about it until I'm blue in the face, but to be honest, she and I have had, in the last year and a half, only about a half-dozen conversations that started and ended that way.

I wonder. What if every conversation we had from now on was like that? Would she have anything negative to say then? I don't really think so.

I haven't tried hard enough, for her or the children. Those children, most of all, need me to step up and treat Mommy with class and dignity. I will do it for them, and for us.

Someday, I want to write something supremely positive on this blog. I hope that day comes sooner than later.