Spent the evening with Gordon and Camille. Every time I go over there to their house, I feel like I haven't done enough to be given what I have from them. I tell myself each time that I won't dwell on my situation much; that they've heard it all before.
And yet, when I tell them the latest or give them an update, they both listen with such intensity and with such a sense of caring I wonder if I deserve such good friends at all. Unloading on people takes quite a bit of effort on the part of a person who is being unloaded upon, and the Southams take it as if it were the weight of a feather. I am exceedingly grateful to them.
My heart is full tonight as I write this, because all I can think about is Isaac and Savannah and being with them forever. Gordon brought up a good point to me: Even doing the unthinkable at the moment would mean I would have a better chance of seeing the kids than I do now, which is almost zero.
I wish it never had to come to this, but waiting for someone to change won't change a thing. I have to make the change, just as my wife once did. She realized perhaps her life wasn't going to get any better if she didn't make a change. I realize my life won't get better unless I now make the changes I must make.
Going home and crying about Isaac and Savannah accomplishes nothing. It doesn't bring them back, nor does it bring me closer to them. That's why I don't do it nearly as often as I once did. No one has to feel sorry for me if I'm not doing what I can to have them in my life.
But getting back to Gordon and Camille: I could not asked for better friends, sounding boards or selfless individuals. I love them and their family very much, and it is a love that has grown much over the past year. I'm not embarrassed to say that. They tell things as they are, and not so much as I would always like it to be. They're honest when I'm not always so. Most of all, they understand that I love my children and yes, if it were to be part of the equation, that I love my wife as well.
They understand better than I do that Cherie is in a different place and isn't coming back, at least not in her present form. Camille told me that I love the person Cherie was, and not who she is now.
That's the absolute truth. I love someone who is true to themselves, and not trying to be someone else just for the sake of being different. That's false and untrue.
I thank Camille and Gordon for helping me see the light on so many things. I am about to embark on a very difficult journey right now, but I know that my Heavenly Father, my friends, my family and the Southams will be right there in my corner.
I am very grateful to Gordon and Camille, and to so many other people who love me, for that.
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