Perception vs. reality

Yes, it's Sunday. I'm on my way to church.

Spent the weekend helping Cowboy Jason look for work and formulate a gameplan. But in that space of time, I also spoke a lot to his landlord, Mary.

Mary is one of those kinds of ladies that would probably be a "hip grandma." She lives in this old house in town, and Jason rents a room from her. Well, suffice it to say, Jason and his lady Cindy have come to an understanding, I hope.

But you know something else? I had the absolute most enlightening conversation with Mary for about an hour...and I realized that now, today, 18 months after the fact, I have been all wrong about Cherie and this concept of "unconditional love."

I haven't shown it to her. It doesn't matter if she wants it or not. I wrote about this earlier. It's perception. And that perception is what I've been showing her. Forget abut what she's doing. What am I doing? I get on the phone with her the other day -- texting, actually, and I freaking blow up in her face. I mean, what the heck does that accomplish? What she sees then is what she's been running from this entire time. Would anyone in their right mind want to be with me? Heck, I wouldn't want to be with me.

But you see, as I pray for her and the kids each day and night, I'm certainly not practicing what I preach. I still give her a cold reaction to most things when I speak to her. That's what she sees. That's what I give her. I don't give her any of the love I supposedly hold in my heart. As a matter of fact, I hold it away from her.

I wish I would have thought of this earlier. I am not a perfect person. And in fact, I am not even as good a person as I project myself to be. I'm not going to say I'm as bad as I once was, but I certainly have not given Cherie and the kids the love that I know I can. What is that at this point?

Keeping in touch with them. Helping them out financially...and emotionally, if I can. At every turn, having a positive exchange with them. That's what Christ would want me to do. He does not care if they're not going to church -- obviously, in Cherie's eyes, church hasn't done me much good, because I'm still not someone she wants to even talk to, let alone be with.

I hope this makes sense. I have good friends and family who love and care for me. But it appears that I have not exactly held up my end of the bargain. I want to, but as I've said many times before, wanting to do something, and actually doing it, are two completely different things.

There are things I want to accomplish in this life. I helped Cowboy Jason get started on that positive path. Now I need to start doing the same things.