Sad

There was a time, not so long ago, when even thinking about my wife brought a smile to my face. I got so excited just waiting to come home, or waiting for the start of a weekend, to know that we would be together for a long time, uninterrupted.

Now, it's like we can't even talk to each other. I actually was feeling OK about myself until I decided to text Cherie. She said Isaac started Cub Scouts. I simply said that I hoped that might bring her closer to the church. She told me that the Cub Scouts had nothing to do with church. I then said that I didn't think she would ever go to church, because she would never have the courage to go and have to admit her role in the dissolution of our marriage.

Thus began the next 45 minutes of absolute stupidity. And I did nothing to stop it. I played right into her hand.

WHY, GOD, WHY did I do that? Did it accomplish ANYTHING? Of course not. And I feel like a piece of crap for hours afterward. And our relationship stays the same, and she's left saying I'm the same old good-for-nothing as I was before. I know people will say, "well, there are two sides to the story." And there are. But what the world doesn't understand is, it's not what she has to do, it's what I have to do. I have to be the better person. And I just crawled in the mud pit with her. Worse, I not only fell in the mud pit, she watched me dig a hole and bury myself in it.

I have no one else to blame but myself.

I feel like a piece of chewed up and spit-out gum. I feel like garbage. I don't like it. I still love those people, even though I said I didn't. Who am I kidding?

If I love them, then why don't I show them, even when they're tearing me down? Why can't I be Christ-like and do what they ask...and be the person they know I can be?

What on Earth is stopping me from doing this?

Can anyone tell me?