The whole truth

I can't pull the trigger on ending this marriage. It is such a difficult thought, and I'll tell you why.

I have not been true to myself or my wife and children since they left. I simply and honestly have not. I can't look at Heavenly Father and say that I've tried everything. I have not. Not even close.

No, Cherie doesn't love me. Yes, she wants to be split from me for good. But I ask myself, can I blame her? What has she seen from me? Let's recap:

A man who is balky at best in paying his financial obligations. That's not going to get me to the temple any time soon.

A man who sees things only as he wants to see them, and not as she does. There's a saying I used to tell Cherie all the time: If she's happy, then I'm happy. I certainly am not happy. I don't think she is, either.

A man who constantly finds ways to fault the woman that deep down inside, he truly loves. That's my fault, not hers.

A man who still harbors more than a grudge against the woman he professes to love. Now, seriously. If I love someone, why don't I show it?

A man who has criticized his wife for the choices she's made. They're her choices, after all, not mine. Those kids are not in danger. If they were, that would be a different story.

A man who knows deep down inside the hurt he caused, yet finds it difficult to fully admit what he's done. I know I've fessed up a lot, but perhaps I haven't taken full responsibility.

A man whose animosity, real or imagined, toward his wife, keeps him from being close to his children. Perhaps this is the biggest crime of all. Those kids did nothing wrong but love us. They deserve my love no matter what's going on with Cherie and I.

I guess I could go on. I wish she would see this, to know that I am well aware of my faults. They are numerous. The best thing I can do is treat her right every time I see her. I can't say what's going to happen, but I must and have to try.