A very interesting Sunday at church

I will admit something here.

For about a year when we lived in Wyoming, we did not attend church. I believe it to be partially to blame for the reason why we are not a family at the present time.

Now, I am not perfect and am a man with many, many flaws. But if there is one constant in my life, it is that I try to do two things on Sundays that at least get me closer to my Heavenly Father.

I attend church regularly, and I fast every Sunday that I attend church. Those are two things I know I can instantly do that at the very least make me feel closer to Heavenly Father. I genuinely get excited about going to church and feeding my soul.

At church today, at Sunday school, they talked about a subject that hit directly to the core of the relationship between my wife and I. The subject was adultery, as well as the need to be close to one another as husband and wife.

I am loathe to say that what my wife is doing is adultery, for two reasons: one, I am not perfect, and two, I would forgive her in an instant if she ever said she was sorry for doing such a thing. She has nothing to apologize for. I love my wife unconditionally, even if it might be hard to show.

But it pointed out sections of the Doctrine and Covenants that talk about the importance of a man and his wife and their union. We talked about sealing one to another, and the joy that brings.

As I sit here typing this, I wonder what would have happened if Heavenly Father directed me to those sections in the Book of Mormon when things were tough for us under the same roof. Would I have been able to fix the damage that was being done? The entire time we lived in the last house in Casper, I never knew where my Scriptures were. I found them while I was packing to move out. When I found them, I cried. Where were they during the last near-year that we lived in that lovely house in that wonderful neighborhood that looked as close to Mayberry as you could get?

While things might have looked good from the outside, they were a hell inside -- for all of us. I can't fault Heavenly Father for not tapping me on the shoulder, perhaps, and directing me to those scriptures that might have saved my marriage, and my relationship with my children.

My scriptures have not left me since. I read them all of the time. I read them practically every day when I lived in Carson City, and I really, really read them intensely on a trip to Idaho way back in July of last year, when I had to go to court for the first time. I read them now, though my pace has slowed considerably. Still, like a few other tangible things in my life, I hold tight to them as a reminder both of the faith that was given to me by the Holy Ghost and a reminder of how things can be. In a zippered pocket, I still keep the line of progression given to me by a dear friend who confirmed me as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The progression goes all the way back to Joseph Smith.

Tomorrow is the first day that I will make a concerted effort to contact Isaac and Savannah every day. For the days go by too quickly, and you can become too comfortable in your element if you choose to do nothing but stand still and not change it.

If nothing else, I am determined to let those children know I love them. And perhaps, in some small way, I can convince others of the work that I have done to change the way I have been so that they, too, may know of my love for them.

I cannot imagine not having Heavenly Father in my life. We talk every day...sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for hours. But He is my rock, my confidante, my sounding board, in as much a way as any living human being that I know, love and trust.

Spilling my emotions

I had an interesting conversation with a woman this evening. She's actually a friend of Cowboy Jason's, and ironically, is separated from her husband. They have a five-year-old son together, she and her husband.

I feel bad, first of all, that I infringed upon Cowboy Jason's time with this individual. I felt bad as I was talking about my situation.

But a few interesting things happened during the conversation. I opened up with her in a way I never have with my wife. I told her that I really wanted to be with my wife, despite the place where she was in her life right now. I told her it was wrong for me to judge my wife's friends, even if I didn't agree with them. The fact of the matter is, they are Cherie's friends, and I can't judge them or dismiss their thoughts and feelings, no matter how opposite they may be of mine.

I told her how I had to learn to change my thought process and my feelings and how I had hurt Destiny so badly. She said she couldn't believe that I had been as bad as I had been. That's interesting. Everybody who knows me says the same thing, that I couldn't possibly have been as bad to Destiny or my family, that I didn't have it in me. I rolled through the things that made Cherie leave me, and how they made her feel the way she does now.

I want to write these things to Cherie and tell her exactly how I feel. I have not told her how I feel in a long time. I don't even know if she would read or care or listen to what I had to say.

But what am I waiting for? Why can't I just tell her what I told Cindy, Jason's friend? I mean, would Cherie understand? Cherie knows so much more about me than anyone else in the world, and she seems to be closed to the thought that I might have given the way I treated her and the rest of my family a year and a half to think about my conduct. I certainly have given it a lot of thought.

I told Cindy that while it might be nice to look at someone and be nice to them, that is not what I want, and that my concept of family is more than just being a unit where people coexist just to be a family, so they can say they were a family. That's incorrect. My concept of family is one where people love each other, where they forgive each other, respect each other's opinions and, perhaps most importantly, realize what they might have lost in the first place.

I want my wife and children back, and I want them to know that I am committed to them for the rest of my life. I have not wavered from that stance, and I never will.

I certainly have learned my lesson. I learned it a very, very long time ago.

Waiting

I am waiting.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen. I got some good news the other day. I don't want to jinx it, but it involves the possibility of moving closer to my family.

I want to be more specific, but I am afraid of doing so. What if it doesn't happen? What if something else does?

I just want something good to happen. I want something to happen that gives me hope for the future. This could be part of it. I am relying very much on Heavenly Father as this plays out. I really would like to be closer to the ones I love. They need me.

I wish I could say more. But until it happens for sure, I will refrain.

What I've been feeling all along

Life sucks sometimes for people who don't have significant others.

I say this because of last night. Cowboy Jason and I went out to Gary's Place and did the karaoke thing. It was kinda dicey because we're both as broke as Job's turkey this week, and spending even a few dollars for a Coke is pretty much sacrilege at this point.

But it brings me to a point that I alluded to in my last post. I think ultimately, people want to be loved, and want to have someone to love. Those that don't have that and want it are always looking for that.

I will admit, especially after seeing my wife's alleged love interest, a part of me was probably jealous, no matter how illegitimate he appears to be. The fact is, she apparently has found someone. Whether that someone is actually true isn't up to me, but it got me thinking. I know there are people out there who are perfectly happy with being alone.

I am not one of them. Especially after essentially throwing away what once was a very good thing. And yes, no matter what she did, I threw it away.

But is it wrong for me to want that again? To want the affection and perhaps love of someone else? A good person would say I'd have to fix my affairs first. But still, I think of my wife. I mean, really, that's what I really want...my wife. I would love to have her back. But that won't really happen. I want someone to love, someone to care for, someone to be there for, so bad. It's like I told my wife once...I have a giant pot of gold just waiting to give to someone. I want to give it to someone, so bad.

But I don't want to give it to someone who is so superficial they can't see past my physical appearance, or someone who doesn't share the same qualities I have.

I think I'm answering my own questions here. I know what I want. I just have to go and get it. And not settle for anything less.

Being true to myself

This will be a difficult post for me to write, because in it, I will write about things that I have struggled with for some time.

For a very, very long time, I have wanted my wife and children to come home. I have prayed for it all the time, and, especially at night, when I'm by myself, they are chiefly what I think about, as if I have no other interference from anything else. It's like listening to an AM radio station at night, where I just learned why the signal carries longer when it's dark. That's how my brain is -- as if it were a one-track mind, wishing and hoping and dreaming of the people I love the most.

But there is one thing that does cross my mind when I'm alone with my thoughts. I'm not always proud of that thought, but it happens anyway. What can I say -- I refer to these thoughts as primal urges.

Sometimes I wonder if there isn't someone out there waiting for me -- someone who isn't my wife, but someone who wants love and caring and compassion just like I do. It's hard for me to explain, because I know what I want. It should be obvious to anyone.
But there are times I think about it, and times I wonder if it is right to even be contemplating such a thing...I mean, I know in my heart, that if my wife and I were to ever come back together, it would be the most glorious thing on Earth, and I would never, ever ever want anything more than that.

But I do want to be happy, you know? I do want to love someone, and share deep thoughts with them, hopes, fears and dreams. I do have those, you know? And I would love to share them with someone.

I am eternally hopeful that someone is my wife, where we can learn to love again, and learn to laugh and share and spend the rest of our lives together. Because wanting something different than that, I have learned, isn't real.

The love I have for my family -- for my children and my wife -- is.

Pure heaven

I visited the kids this past weekend. Let's just say it was pure heaven. It feels so good to go and ride the train on the way to see them, knowing that the next few days will be nothing but hanging out with the ones I love the most.

It took a while for the kids to warm up to me. I mean, it had been eight months since I'd seen them. I need to make a better effort to take the time to see them. I'd like to visit them once a month, if not more. I think I need a custody arrangement, or better yet, have them live with me all the time. I love them so much, and I have to make sure they know I'm in their lives.

We didn't do much in the way of exciting things -- we visited a pet store, went to the park, ate pizza in our hotel room and watched "Aladdin" and "Ratatouille." It felt good to watch the kids' cartoons again. It felt right. We also went and saw "Night at the Museum 2" at the cheap dollar theater. Good thing at this age the kids don't have much concept of money or what constitutes as "fun." They just loved being with Daddy.

And I loved being with them. It made me realize that I've been waiting so long for things to work out between me and Cherie -- and she's a lost soul, and until she finds herself, they won't. But the kids have a love that is unconditional and unquestioned. And I have to do my part every day to earn their love and trust. There will come a day -- and it could happen sooner than later -- where they will have every right to question where I was for long stretches of their lives. And two days with them, when they are older, won't soften the blow of not being there for them when they need it most.

Let's just suffice it to say that I will be riding that wave for a long time. We took pictures, and I made sure I gave the kids tons of hugs and kisses -- at that age, they don't mind -- and reminded them that Daddy loves them so much.

Perhaps they have been hearing the prayers I've been sending up each morning and each night. Perhaps they know more than I think they do.

I love you, Isaac and Savannah. Thank you for making Daddy a happy man again.

Getting ready to see the kids

I am making plans to visit Isaac and Savannah this weekend. It's the first time I've seen them in like eight months.

I feel ashamed that it's been so long since I've seen them. I hope they remember me, and yes, a part of me hopes they haven't stopped loving me. I know that might sound corny, but I have to think that they wish they could see me more often, and vice versa. I have to take responsibility for not seeing them, but it's not that I haven't wanted to. But like I've said before, wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things.

They can't read this blog -- for if they did, I think they would understand where I'm coming from. I really don't expect them to. They expect a Daddy who will be there for them. I haven't always been. I want to make a vow that I will talk to them as often as possible, no matter who I might encounter on the phone. I think if they know that I am there for them -- and this means more than thinking of them -- that they will want to talk to me often.

I would like to forge some kind of compromise with their mother, but to be honest, I don't think she's even ready for that. I have no idea where her mind is at.

So my mind right now is on Isaac and Savannah. I am sorry for not communicating with you better, my wonderful children. It's not because I haven't wanted to. It's just that I so much have wanted to see you in person so I could show you how much Daddy really does love you.

Random thoughts

Sometimes, when I'm reading my own blog, it's like I feel I have a responsibility to it -- to fulfill some higher calling. As if every posting has to be some profound conclusion, or some profound event, or something worth mentioning.

I don't really have anything interesting to say, other than I'm still looking for work, and that I hope to go to Idaho this weekend, because I have three days off. I wish I could say that something profound will happen -- like my wife and I will come to an understanding. It's unlikely, but that doesn't mean I can't -- or shouldn't -- try. I will. I have to. I must.

I went to one of my favorite places on Earth over the weekend. Wine country. I don't drink, but I went there with Cowboy Jason to visit his mom. Interesting contrast, those two. Let's just say this: If Jason is a T-bone steak, his mom is tofu. Get it? Anyway, I went there to visit Jason's mom and provide transportation. We hit the beach, and in a poignant moment, spread the ashes of Jason's grandpa in the rocky Pacific Ocean. Never have I ever been a part of something like that before.

We also visited the town where they filmed Alfred Hitchcock's classic, "The Birds" and visited the schoolhouse featured in the film. That was fun.

Now, I'm patiently waiting for some good news here, as always. I wish I had more time to spend with the kids. I wish their mom and I could communicate better. I wish for a lot of things. I have for a very long time.

We'll see what transpires here. Stay tuned.

I need to do something now

First off, let me say a few things. I am not perfect. I have made many, many mistakes in my life; mistakes which have hurt people and made them angry and have done things that I am not proud of. It is the majority of the reason why I am in the place where I am today.
I made mistakes, and I am paying the price.

Having said that, the more I learn about the situation my wife and children are in, the more I am left with a few conclusions: One, my wife is in complete denial of her own feelings. Two, like the post says, the longer I wait to do something, the more the blame could possibly be placed at my feet.

For now? I think the person cheating themselves out of a life, is my wife. She lives in abhorrent conditions, apparently, is supporting a deadbeat of a "boyfriend," and the kids are flailing around, probably wondering who is in charge.

Should I judge her? No way. A person like that does not need judgment. They need love, compassion and caring.

My wonderful friends Gordon and Camille -- whom I often feel like canonizing for the support they give me and my family -- were in Idaho this week visiting Camille's relatives. They visited Cherie twice. Once, when she wasn't there, and their kids and our kids played together. They had lots of fun. The Southam kids often refer to long-lost friends as "cousins." They played while Cherie was doing laundry with her "boyfriend." Uh, ok. They spoke with Kara, who seemed nice enough (As an aside, I've never had a problem with Kara. I have less of a problem with her than I do some of Cherie's other friends).

Well, Cherie never showed up. Then, on Tuesday, Gordon and Camille came to Cherie's house again.

Cherie barely let them in the house. She apparently wasn't nice to them. She wasn't mean, but she certainly wasn't nice to two people she's known for years. The kids played and...oh, yeah, this guy Yanni was there...with four-letter word tats and all. Greaaat. And he doesn't appear to have a job.

And she's there with a bunch of smokers. No, they're not going to church, nobody's clean, no one has a job, and no one apparently can live with Cherie, as her mom moved out last week.

Bitter? Perhaps. A little self-introspection never hurts. But I have to ask myself: Am I that bad that she has to trade in a decent life for one teetering on the edge. Gee. I guess I'm that bad. So bad that she has to trade a life of somewhat stability, with someone who feels contrite and prays for her and the children every day and night, and has owned up to his mistakes, and, perhaps most importantly, would forgive her for everything in an instant, for the life she lives now.

Nah, I guess I'm too much trouble for that. I will continue to pray for them, but in the meantime, I have to ensure a life with my children where they can grow up in a loving environment, and not one where they are tossed to the ground in favor of some infatuated love interest, or worse, a person's "principled" stance against another.

I am thankful for people like Gordon and Camille. They are incomparable friends to me. And if they read that, I want them to know that I love them and their family very much.

Thank you.

Camping, and stating the obvious

I just returned from a weekend camping.

It was the first time I'd gone camping in about 10 years. It was a lot of fun, but the biggest thing I realized is how out of shape I am.

Yes, that has to be changed soon. Switching sodas for these zero-calorie "Life Water" things is OK, but I really need to do is work on moving and improving my mobility and flexibility. I have the agility of a tortoise.

It was fun, though. I went with Cowboy Jason and his girlfriend and her four-year-old son. My favorite part of the trip was sitting around a campfire, telling stories and listening to the radio. My companions even had some fun at my expense, to which I say: Who cares? It was all in good fun, and it's what makes the trip memorable. If I did my part to make people laugh or feel comfortable, then I've done what I set out to do.

It was fun, and it's something I'll remember for a long time. Hopefully, I can share those stories with someone I love some day.

When I got home, I talked to Gordon and Camille. Ironically, they passed me on their way to Idaho. They visited Isaac and Savannah and Destiny while they were in Idaho, and spent about 45 minutes with them. I have to say that I am grateful for that, and it points up to a larger issue.

Those children are, according to Camille, living in squalor. It's hard for me to be a judge, because I wasn't there, but there were dirty dishes everywhere; the floor looked like it hadn't been vacuumed in days, and the kids were dirty.

I told Cherie when I visited her in January that I thought that she had done a good job in raising those children. I do not feel the same way now, based on what I've been told by her aunt, her mother, and now, very close friends of mine who love us all.

It makes me want to move there ASAP. I don't even care if I have a job, but I know I have to have one to make things work. Those children are suffering at the hands of a woman who is so far beyond thinking rationally when it comes to her children that she is neglecting them in favor of some new love interest.

I don't care what she does in that arena, but I do care when I hear of my children living in filth and disarray. That can't be good for anyone.

The longer I stay where I am, and do nothing, the longer that suffering is simply perpetuated. And at some point, it will be just as much my responsibility as it is hers.