Spilling my emotions

I had an interesting conversation with a woman this evening. She's actually a friend of Cowboy Jason's, and ironically, is separated from her husband. They have a five-year-old son together, she and her husband.

I feel bad, first of all, that I infringed upon Cowboy Jason's time with this individual. I felt bad as I was talking about my situation.

But a few interesting things happened during the conversation. I opened up with her in a way I never have with my wife. I told her that I really wanted to be with my wife, despite the place where she was in her life right now. I told her it was wrong for me to judge my wife's friends, even if I didn't agree with them. The fact of the matter is, they are Cherie's friends, and I can't judge them or dismiss their thoughts and feelings, no matter how opposite they may be of mine.

I told her how I had to learn to change my thought process and my feelings and how I had hurt Destiny so badly. She said she couldn't believe that I had been as bad as I had been. That's interesting. Everybody who knows me says the same thing, that I couldn't possibly have been as bad to Destiny or my family, that I didn't have it in me. I rolled through the things that made Cherie leave me, and how they made her feel the way she does now.

I want to write these things to Cherie and tell her exactly how I feel. I have not told her how I feel in a long time. I don't even know if she would read or care or listen to what I had to say.

But what am I waiting for? Why can't I just tell her what I told Cindy, Jason's friend? I mean, would Cherie understand? Cherie knows so much more about me than anyone else in the world, and she seems to be closed to the thought that I might have given the way I treated her and the rest of my family a year and a half to think about my conduct. I certainly have given it a lot of thought.

I told Cindy that while it might be nice to look at someone and be nice to them, that is not what I want, and that my concept of family is more than just being a unit where people coexist just to be a family, so they can say they were a family. That's incorrect. My concept of family is one where people love each other, where they forgive each other, respect each other's opinions and, perhaps most importantly, realize what they might have lost in the first place.

I want my wife and children back, and I want them to know that I am committed to them for the rest of my life. I have not wavered from that stance, and I never will.

I certainly have learned my lesson. I learned it a very, very long time ago.