Pure heaven

I visited the kids this past weekend. Let's just say it was pure heaven. It feels so good to go and ride the train on the way to see them, knowing that the next few days will be nothing but hanging out with the ones I love the most.

It took a while for the kids to warm up to me. I mean, it had been eight months since I'd seen them. I need to make a better effort to take the time to see them. I'd like to visit them once a month, if not more. I think I need a custody arrangement, or better yet, have them live with me all the time. I love them so much, and I have to make sure they know I'm in their lives.

We didn't do much in the way of exciting things -- we visited a pet store, went to the park, ate pizza in our hotel room and watched "Aladdin" and "Ratatouille." It felt good to watch the kids' cartoons again. It felt right. We also went and saw "Night at the Museum 2" at the cheap dollar theater. Good thing at this age the kids don't have much concept of money or what constitutes as "fun." They just loved being with Daddy.

And I loved being with them. It made me realize that I've been waiting so long for things to work out between me and Cherie -- and she's a lost soul, and until she finds herself, they won't. But the kids have a love that is unconditional and unquestioned. And I have to do my part every day to earn their love and trust. There will come a day -- and it could happen sooner than later -- where they will have every right to question where I was for long stretches of their lives. And two days with them, when they are older, won't soften the blow of not being there for them when they need it most.

Let's just suffice it to say that I will be riding that wave for a long time. We took pictures, and I made sure I gave the kids tons of hugs and kisses -- at that age, they don't mind -- and reminded them that Daddy loves them so much.

Perhaps they have been hearing the prayers I've been sending up each morning and each night. Perhaps they know more than I think they do.

I love you, Isaac and Savannah. Thank you for making Daddy a happy man again.

Getting ready to see the kids

I am making plans to visit Isaac and Savannah this weekend. It's the first time I've seen them in like eight months.

I feel ashamed that it's been so long since I've seen them. I hope they remember me, and yes, a part of me hopes they haven't stopped loving me. I know that might sound corny, but I have to think that they wish they could see me more often, and vice versa. I have to take responsibility for not seeing them, but it's not that I haven't wanted to. But like I've said before, wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things.

They can't read this blog -- for if they did, I think they would understand where I'm coming from. I really don't expect them to. They expect a Daddy who will be there for them. I haven't always been. I want to make a vow that I will talk to them as often as possible, no matter who I might encounter on the phone. I think if they know that I am there for them -- and this means more than thinking of them -- that they will want to talk to me often.

I would like to forge some kind of compromise with their mother, but to be honest, I don't think she's even ready for that. I have no idea where her mind is at.

So my mind right now is on Isaac and Savannah. I am sorry for not communicating with you better, my wonderful children. It's not because I haven't wanted to. It's just that I so much have wanted to see you in person so I could show you how much Daddy really does love you.

Random thoughts

Sometimes, when I'm reading my own blog, it's like I feel I have a responsibility to it -- to fulfill some higher calling. As if every posting has to be some profound conclusion, or some profound event, or something worth mentioning.

I don't really have anything interesting to say, other than I'm still looking for work, and that I hope to go to Idaho this weekend, because I have three days off. I wish I could say that something profound will happen -- like my wife and I will come to an understanding. It's unlikely, but that doesn't mean I can't -- or shouldn't -- try. I will. I have to. I must.

I went to one of my favorite places on Earth over the weekend. Wine country. I don't drink, but I went there with Cowboy Jason to visit his mom. Interesting contrast, those two. Let's just say this: If Jason is a T-bone steak, his mom is tofu. Get it? Anyway, I went there to visit Jason's mom and provide transportation. We hit the beach, and in a poignant moment, spread the ashes of Jason's grandpa in the rocky Pacific Ocean. Never have I ever been a part of something like that before.

We also visited the town where they filmed Alfred Hitchcock's classic, "The Birds" and visited the schoolhouse featured in the film. That was fun.

Now, I'm patiently waiting for some good news here, as always. I wish I had more time to spend with the kids. I wish their mom and I could communicate better. I wish for a lot of things. I have for a very long time.

We'll see what transpires here. Stay tuned.

I need to do something now

First off, let me say a few things. I am not perfect. I have made many, many mistakes in my life; mistakes which have hurt people and made them angry and have done things that I am not proud of. It is the majority of the reason why I am in the place where I am today.
I made mistakes, and I am paying the price.

Having said that, the more I learn about the situation my wife and children are in, the more I am left with a few conclusions: One, my wife is in complete denial of her own feelings. Two, like the post says, the longer I wait to do something, the more the blame could possibly be placed at my feet.

For now? I think the person cheating themselves out of a life, is my wife. She lives in abhorrent conditions, apparently, is supporting a deadbeat of a "boyfriend," and the kids are flailing around, probably wondering who is in charge.

Should I judge her? No way. A person like that does not need judgment. They need love, compassion and caring.

My wonderful friends Gordon and Camille -- whom I often feel like canonizing for the support they give me and my family -- were in Idaho this week visiting Camille's relatives. They visited Cherie twice. Once, when she wasn't there, and their kids and our kids played together. They had lots of fun. The Southam kids often refer to long-lost friends as "cousins." They played while Cherie was doing laundry with her "boyfriend." Uh, ok. They spoke with Kara, who seemed nice enough (As an aside, I've never had a problem with Kara. I have less of a problem with her than I do some of Cherie's other friends).

Well, Cherie never showed up. Then, on Tuesday, Gordon and Camille came to Cherie's house again.

Cherie barely let them in the house. She apparently wasn't nice to them. She wasn't mean, but she certainly wasn't nice to two people she's known for years. The kids played and...oh, yeah, this guy Yanni was there...with four-letter word tats and all. Greaaat. And he doesn't appear to have a job.

And she's there with a bunch of smokers. No, they're not going to church, nobody's clean, no one has a job, and no one apparently can live with Cherie, as her mom moved out last week.

Bitter? Perhaps. A little self-introspection never hurts. But I have to ask myself: Am I that bad that she has to trade in a decent life for one teetering on the edge. Gee. I guess I'm that bad. So bad that she has to trade a life of somewhat stability, with someone who feels contrite and prays for her and the children every day and night, and has owned up to his mistakes, and, perhaps most importantly, would forgive her for everything in an instant, for the life she lives now.

Nah, I guess I'm too much trouble for that. I will continue to pray for them, but in the meantime, I have to ensure a life with my children where they can grow up in a loving environment, and not one where they are tossed to the ground in favor of some infatuated love interest, or worse, a person's "principled" stance against another.

I am thankful for people like Gordon and Camille. They are incomparable friends to me. And if they read that, I want them to know that I love them and their family very much.

Thank you.

Camping, and stating the obvious

I just returned from a weekend camping.

It was the first time I'd gone camping in about 10 years. It was a lot of fun, but the biggest thing I realized is how out of shape I am.

Yes, that has to be changed soon. Switching sodas for these zero-calorie "Life Water" things is OK, but I really need to do is work on moving and improving my mobility and flexibility. I have the agility of a tortoise.

It was fun, though. I went with Cowboy Jason and his girlfriend and her four-year-old son. My favorite part of the trip was sitting around a campfire, telling stories and listening to the radio. My companions even had some fun at my expense, to which I say: Who cares? It was all in good fun, and it's what makes the trip memorable. If I did my part to make people laugh or feel comfortable, then I've done what I set out to do.

It was fun, and it's something I'll remember for a long time. Hopefully, I can share those stories with someone I love some day.

When I got home, I talked to Gordon and Camille. Ironically, they passed me on their way to Idaho. They visited Isaac and Savannah and Destiny while they were in Idaho, and spent about 45 minutes with them. I have to say that I am grateful for that, and it points up to a larger issue.

Those children are, according to Camille, living in squalor. It's hard for me to be a judge, because I wasn't there, but there were dirty dishes everywhere; the floor looked like it hadn't been vacuumed in days, and the kids were dirty.

I told Cherie when I visited her in January that I thought that she had done a good job in raising those children. I do not feel the same way now, based on what I've been told by her aunt, her mother, and now, very close friends of mine who love us all.

It makes me want to move there ASAP. I don't even care if I have a job, but I know I have to have one to make things work. Those children are suffering at the hands of a woman who is so far beyond thinking rationally when it comes to her children that she is neglecting them in favor of some new love interest.

I don't care what she does in that arena, but I do care when I hear of my children living in filth and disarray. That can't be good for anyone.

The longer I stay where I am, and do nothing, the longer that suffering is simply perpetuated. And at some point, it will be just as much my responsibility as it is hers.

I blew it

Well, my euphoria lasted exactly one week. I blew it. I had been talking with my stepdaughter for a week...practically every day. We talked tonight, and I probably overstepped my boundaries, and she cut me off. That's it. I wonder if I'll ever talk to her again.

I seriously doubt it. I learned a lot about her. I am not a therapist (though I seriously wish I was) but that young woman has a lot of complex, difficult issues that I could not solve. How could I expect to solve a problem that had been festering for several years, in a week's worth of conversations?

I wish someone would have stopped me. I wish we could have talked simply about the things she was into, her hopes and dreams. Leave out all that other stuff, and save it for another time.
Someone I've chatted with a few times even suggested that: Don't deal with the problems at hand. Just deal with positive things.

I put too much stock in this. Really, I did. I mean, she's an adolescent with so many issues, she just wanted a friend. And I really didn't give it to her. One wonders if I learned anything from this exercise. Perhaps I didn't. I know people might say that I did, but I look at the end result. The end result is another broken relationship. I know people can say that I tried. Well, for God's sake, I didn't try hard enough. The thing is, I have to try harder than I ever have at anything else in my life. It requires a superhuman feat.

I always thought that if I got a chance to meet Destiny, we'd end up hugging. I now know that would have been impossible. But why does someone have to have such a rough exterior? I know I have to be the bigger person in this, but why do I have to do all of the lifting, not just the heavy part?

It's still very hard to do this. I know that Heavenly Father has tested me, and He will continue to test me. It just seems like I fail every test He gives me.

I wonder if I'll ever get it right, even if Heavenly Father gives me an instruction manual in English, with step-by-step directions. I'd probably fail at that, too.

Impatience

I am not a patient man. This, I have had to learn the hard way, especially over the past 18 months.

I sit at this computer, secretly waiting for someone to contact me. I don't want to contact them, because doing so, I feel, would invade their privacy at this point.

And yet, I can't help but wonder: Is Destiny thinking of me? Because I sure am thinking about her. We had such a good conversation yesterday, but we have so many miles and miles to go.
And yet, I want the pace to quicken. I want to get to the point where we can be friends. Where she seeks me out.

It's difficult to expect that from a teenager, and to do so would be unfair to her. I have hurt her, and perhaps she simply wants a break. Perhaps, she's having a good time doing what people her age are doing: listening to music, instant messaging their friends, talking on their cell phones, listening to Disturbed on someone's iPod.

Is it too much to expect so much from someone whom you need to make amends to? Perhaps. I wonder if I'm expecting too much, or looking forward to too much.

I would be remiss, however, if I didn't point out this one fact, however slight it may be. I wished my wife a happy anniversary today, for it is our 8th anniversary. It is the second anniversary we have spent apart, but I will forge ahead with that, too. I need to show her that I love her and care for her, no matter what happens.

She actually wished me a happy anniversary. I wonder if it was just reflex. Maybe it was something else?

I can assume none of this. I have no idea. Just as I have no idea what's going on in Destiny's head.

I feel like shouting to Heavenly Father: I JUST WANT TO BE A FAMILY AGAIN!

But He already knows that. He knows it all. Whether it be His will is another matter entirely. I think He wants me to work harder. So harder I will work.

Am I impatient? Absolutely. Do I wish I had more patience? Yes, I do. I wish I had all the patience in the world. Perhaps it's a good thing that I do not.

I don't know what else to say. I don't want progress to stop.