Existentialism

Well, it appears, despite all of my efforts (which, if I had a ton of money, would have been a lot more) failed. No Las Vegas trip for Cherie and the kids.
I tried as best as I could, considering the circumstances.

I failed. In my wife's eyes, I failed. I would have failed under almost any circumstance.

Then I called my wife and told her that I could not help her, despite my best efforts.

No reaction. The only thing she said was that she thought that I was disappointed. Well, of course I am. Not a single word of encouragement. Nothing. I wonder if she would have been appreciative if I actually was able to help her. I doubt that as well.

I wasn't expecting much, you know. Not at this point, at least. People have a different view of things, to be sure, but I know what's up. I haven't always been kind. Most people I know, if not EVERYONE I know, believe that I have tried.

They would be wrong. Dead wrong. Yes, I have tried. But I know there's a part of me that shouldn't expect a medal just for doing one good deed. It has to be time after time, after time. Nobody has to know that but me.
I call it existentialism, because it still hurts not to be appreciated for the work I'm trying to do.
I am looking to move closer to my family, and have gotten a very late start on that.

People have a right to wonder if I'm being trampled on by someone I love. They're entitled to their opinion. It's because I know the truth -- that I was not good to my wife and children for a time -- that makes me believe that if I do things for them on a consistent basis, perhaps their false walls will evaporate, and they will realize what they lost is someone who generally loves them and cares for them.

There are plenty of times I've thought, even in the last few minutes, that I've wanted to fire off something mean to her, even mildly so. I won't do it. It's not about getting even. It's about showing someone love, care, concern and compassion, regardless of what they've done.

Even if they themselves have none for me or refuse to accept it. Existentialism on their part? Of course. It doesn't mean I have to do the same.