Showing my love

Cherie and the kids are headed to Las Vegas tomorrow. It's a trip largely funded by me, as I gave her $300 in cash to do it.

I don't care. That's the best way I can show my love for her now, even if it's not exactly the way I want to show my love to her and the children. There are other ways, I am sure, and I will practice those ways from now on. There wasn't much of a reaction when I helped her. I didn't expect one. There was a time when I did, but I no longer do. It's not something I count on. If I'm doing something just for a reaction, then I'm not really showing unconditional love. Don't get me wrong. It's what I want. I want her to tell me thank you, in a way that's more than cursory. I want her to feel something, the way I feel.

Perhaps she does, even if she doesn't tell me. It doesn't matter. As Heavenly Father is my witness, I will keep doing what I must to show her and the children I love them. I no longer expect anything in return. I'm going to keep showing them my love, no matter what.

I'm listening to a song by Josh Turner now, "Another Try." It's an entire video played in reverse, and the song came out not long after I moved to Carson City a year ago. I thought the song was absolutely appropriate for what I was going through then, and what I'm going through now. If I ever have another chance with my wife and children, I will cherish it as the most precious thing on Earth. In a way, that's how I have to treat my marriage now, even if we're not together. It was, and still is, and can be, the most precious thing on Earth. I have to treat it as such. Every time I look at the ring on my finger, I have to treat it as such, even if she does not.

Yes. Even if she does not.

My mind is full of a lot of things right now. The days are moving too quickly now, as one week flows nearly effortlessly into another week. As it does, however, my children are growing older and their memories of me fade every time I'm not there. I wish the days would slow down, as if the days were a record and I changed the rpm's.

I need to make a plan for myself. It does not include newspapers or even California. It includes being with my wife and children, and earning more money than they need, and being fit, so that I can race with my son and daughter and chase them around without huffing and puffing. I have to get a serious plan going.

Meanwhile, my wife and children are beginning the long trip to Vegas tomorrow. I hope they are safe, and I love them and pray for them all. May Heavenly Father bless all of you.

If she ever reads this blog, I hope she understands that what I've written comes from the bottom of my heart. I've felt this way for a long, long time, and that's God's honest truth.